IWYIM: Put me in your mouth.

As Barstool continues to come up with new ways to take over every aspect of your life, the newest initiative is called Barstool Bites.

It's been live for about 2 months, and it's an app that connects you with ghost kitchens around the country that will cook and deliver a menu of food developed by us that we think would be perfect while watching the game... Any game... On your couch.

And the whole menu is made up of stuff I want inside of me...

I am going to be 100% honest with you… Most of the menu items were already thought out by real chefs.  Well… Mainly celebrity chef Eric Greenberg, and then assigned to Barstool personalities that seemed to fit the dish.

So my man Clem has pigs in a blanket because he is the resident Swish expert, Glenny has sliders, and Smitty has his name on their take on the cheesesteak because of his Philly roots.

They tried to name a bitter blackened shrimp dish after Zah, but I had to put my foot down.

The sandwich originally assigned to me was an eclectic abomination… It was a hero stuffed with (among other things) thick-cut fried bologna, fried mac&cheese bites, and pimento cheese.  

(Not bad looking, right?)

I was at the taste test for this monstrosity, and liked it very much, even though I didn't have any obvious connection to the dish like Clem, Balls, or Smitty did to theirs.

A couple of weeks go by after the app's launch occurred, I got a call from Jeremy, the guy in charge… My hero got taken off the menu.

The reason they gave was "supply chain issues" which seems to be the go-to excuse across all industries nowadays post-pandemic (or perhaps mid-pandemic, depending on who you ask).

No harm, no foul because, again, I liked it but I wasn't connected to it.

The good news was, for the NEW sandwich to be named after me, the developers at Barstool Bites insisted I have a more hands-on participation with its inception.  So they flew me out to LA where I spent 2 days locked in a test kitchen with Chef Greenie concocting a sandwich I would like to eat whilst hungover on a Saturday afternoon laying on the couch. 

We went through DOZENS of options… I gained 14 pounds in less than 3 days… And ultimately we found something I identified with AND was dying to eat.

The rest of the sandwiches on the app are called "Biggies", but let me present to you the only "Largie"…

Barstool Bites bastardized version of an iconic NYC sandwich- The Chopped Cheese.

Since I was born in the Bronx, raised in Brooklyn, and now live in New Jersey, we wanted to make something that symbolized a grease truck from Rutgers crashing through the front window of a Bronx bodega.

For those who don't know, a "Chopped Cheese" is a type of sandwich that originated in New York City bodegas throughout the Bronx, Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens… Staten Island was not involved because Italians tend to be stand-offish.

It is made on a flat-top grill with ground beef, onions, and melted cheese, and it is served with lettuce, tomato, and whatever condiments you like on a long hero roll.

Some people like to think of it as New York's version of a Philly cheesesteak, but I prefer to think of it as the bastard offspring of when a Sloppy Joe banged a cheesesteak from behind in broad daylight on the hood of a stalled car on the busy shoulder of the BQE during rush hour.

This is not gourmet… This is not healthy… And this is not something I wouldn't normally recommend… But I find the food that is on this app is exponentially better than the over-priced shit my kids UberEats to the house every now and again.

"Fuck Barstool… I don't want to give them my money."

Cool, then keep ordering from this guy…

Giphy Images.

… Or some dude who "inadvertently" tried to steal from small businesses during the pandemic.

But back to the sandwich…

it was made by 2 guys that look like this…

Greenie and I fucked with the original Chopped Cheese by making ours with chopped ground beef, caramelized onions, melted provolone, mayo, iceberg lettuce, bacon, hot sauce, and then stuffed with house seasoned french fries… Just to let the purists know we were not playing by any traditional 'chopped cheese rulebook'.

No offense to fried bologna, but I took a picture of the cross-section of this new sandwich…

… and the original one that was going to bear my name couldn't hold a candle to this new-and-improved Largie.

So download the app and give it a try next time you have nothing to eat and ZERO regard for the way you look.

I want me inside of you.

Take a report.