-I hate when a waiter bullies me into being done with my meal. I might just have scraps left that I’m picking at but then he’ll come over and say “you done with that?” and what am I supposed to do? Shoo him away and make him come back again just so I can eat another half bite of food? And if I do do that, then I feel a ton of pressure to basically lick the plate clean and leave not a single morsel of food left on that plate so it justifies my decision.
-We’re about to enter the time of year where you have to make the really though decision about bringing a jacket out to a bar. Because it’s gonna be cold when you walk there, but inside it’s gonna be warm and you’ll want to take it off. But you don’t want to hold it. You also don’t want to put it down because there’s thieves everywhere. It’s unlikely the place has a coat check. Sometimes I get so stressed out about it that I just don’t go out for the entire winter.
-I always think it’s weird when adults obsess over if a little kid has a girlfriend or when they like try to set little kids up who are around the same age. Who cares if this 8 year old kid has a girlfriend at school? They’re not gonna last. They know nothing about what it means to be in a serious relationship. Or sometimes they’ll say “oh this male baby and female baby were born around the same time, maybe they’ll date one day.” Highly unlikely. They might not be compatible. They might not have the same goals and ambitions and want to share their lives together. That’s a major commitment that these moron infants aren’t even close to ready for.
-I don’t know what it means when someone talks about Mercury being in retrograde, but I do that it means I probably won’t like them as a person.
-Sometimes I actually kind of like when a place messes up my order or something goes wrong, and then I just know I’m going to get something for free in return. Like I went to Chipotle the other night and they were out of black beans, pinto beans, white rice, brisket, and queso. I was planning to have 3 of those things in my meal, but I looked at it as a positive. I was still able to build my burrito bowl with other stuff, and I had the grounds to send Chipotle a customer service email complaining about how unacceptable it was for them to be out of that many ingredients, and I’ll now likely be getting two free burrito cards in return. So overall, huge win.
-A funny way to make people uncomfortable would be when you’re on the elevator going down and the door opens and you instinctively think it’s the lobby so you start to step out, but it’s actually just a lower floor and someone else gets on, so you gotta step back in and then it would be funny to just be really really hard on yourself for it. Like look around to the group and just say, “I’m sorry guys. I’m such a fucking idiot. I’m such a worthless piece of shit. This is why she left me. This is why my parents got divorced.” Just really lay it on and watch everyone squirm.
Thank you for your time.