This isn’t exactly the easiest thing I have ever typed out before, but it might be the most necessary.
Before I go any further, I want to stress this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
You may think you are sometimes, trust me, I’ve been there. But to quote NBA player Kevin Love: EVERYONE IS GOING THROUGH SOMETHING THAT WE CAN’T SEE.
Over a decade ago I was diagnosed with depression. That led to a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Which led to a diagnosis of severe anxiety. I also have a really tough diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, but there are elements of another disorder that have people I’ve talked with recently thinking that may actually be a misdiagnosis. Unfortunately, the picture isn't exactly clear because I haven't always found the proper help or addressed everything in a timely manner.
I'll hold back on explaining the new complications because I don’t fully understand all of the details yet. I’d rather not misspeak on the topic, but we are working through figuring out exactly (as best we can) what I deal with.
Regardless, it’s a fucking mess, there’s no way around it. And I find myself asking “why” quite often in terms of having to deal with this shit. When all of these things start to really work together and weigh on me, it’s a fucking horror show. The feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and dread bury me deep into the ground.
All of what I just said in the above paragraphs may surprise some people. I’ve never really opened up about these issues publicly before. Most family members know, some friends know, and I have alluded to it in some content, but I've never been this fully open about it. I support mental health initiatives and try to bump any awareness when I can, but I mostly keep it private. That’s just who I am. But I figured it was time to use my platform to speak out about it. Maybe someone reading this has similar issues or feels the same way. Whatever it may be, if someone can see these words and use them as a positive, then I can take some good out of this. So, not saying anything, at this point, is not really worth it or beneficial to anyone.
This leads me to my second point, which is another quote from Kevin Love: WHAT I NEEDED WAS TO KNOW THAT I WASN’T ALONE. IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW, I CAN’T TELL YOU THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE EASY. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT IT DOES GET BETTER.
That last sentence, right there… it does get better. You truly, no matter what, have to believe that.
It comes and goes, too! Sometimes it gets better, and then it gets worse again, but I’ve learned to just believe in yourself being stronger than your weaknesses. As the quote also says, though, it isn’t necessarily easy.
Shit, 2021 alone I’ve had so many ups and downs where things were bad, got better, then got worse again, and then improved. The beginning of the year saw a big low with me no longer having my dog living with me, then the highs of The Dozen: Trivia Tournament and hosting Barstool vs. America, the lows of some health things impacting my family, the highs of meeting some incredible new friends and gallivanting around the Jersey Shore (becoming a gold chain guy counts as a high), then recently in the last few weeks I’ve had some personal life setbacks, including my newest mental health news, that have me in a funk and unlike myself. I’m just off. Complications with my issues, and a long history of neglecting to address them (that is another point, by the way, do not hesitate to seek out help, it is not worth it at all to leave it untouched… trust me), turned into paranoia, overcompensation, and a loss of confidence that have fucked some things up for me lately. I've had people notice me not being quite myself recently, it’s impacted friendships & situations in a few very upsetting ways, and I’ve lost almost 30 pounds in as many days solely due to no appetite from my issues. (While I did need to drop some pounds, this wasn’t exactly the best way to do it)
So yeah, I am currently at a “low point” right now in terms of life. It sucks, but I am trying to drag myself through the days. Do I know when it’ll get better again? I am not sure, but I do know that it will. Even if it takes some time.
And if you’re reading this and can relate, it will get better for you too.
Even in the deepest hole, or the darkest corner, the light will find a way to shine through and lead you to a better place.
I’ve been to those places before. I’ve had brushes with bad thoughts and suicide. I’ve had moments where it just all seemed like too much. I won’t even hide it, I had a moment this weekend where I found myself wondering if I really had the strength to push through. Was it all worth it?
Maybe I don’t have the strength right now, but I will at some point. And that’s just something you always need to remind yourself. It won’t happen right away, but everyone has that strength within them.
You just have to trust you’ll be able to find it at some point.
You’re stronger than your weaknesses. Everybody is! Even if it doesn’t seem like the case right away.
I didn’t write this for pity, or for people to feel sorry for me. I have a good support system with my family, friends who care, and am very fortunate to have my dream job at a fucking awesome company. There are people with far worse issues than what I deal with. Don’t hesitate to yell at me over trivia, make fun of the gold chain, laugh at me for crying at the end of trivia, or whatever else your heart desires.
The point of all of this is to just give people someone else to look at so they know they’re not alone. Even if I can help one person breathe better today, then this was worth it. Bottling this up and keeping it private really isn’t helping anyone, and I figured I may as well use the little bit of a platform I have to possibly impact someone for the better.
I am no expert in anything. I also feel as though I just rambled a little bit. I hope this all made sense. But even more so, I hope this helps people, who may not realize it yet, know that they’re not alone. Don’t ever think you’re the only one dealing with an issue. Don’t make yourself feel worthless, or useless. In truth, you’re just one of many people dealing with something. How people cope and recover will change person to person, but everyone possesses the ability to get to the right side of things.
No matter how bad things may feel, remember this: you are not… ever… alone.