You're Allowed To Wake Up Any Stranger Snoring In Public
-I’ll never be one of those “say it to my face” people. I’d much prefer for you to talk bad about me behind my back or behind a keyboard. I want to avoid having any awkward confrontation. You call me a shivering little pussy on Twitter? I can just keep scrolling and go about my day. You talk bad about me in a group chat I'm not in? I’m blissfully unaware. You do that in person, to my face? Ugh. Then I gotta fucking pretend to be mad and "defend myself." Things would maybe escalate to getting physical. No thank you. Let’s avoid all of that. I’ll just stay willfully ignorant and keep thinking everyone likes me.
-If I was a billionaire, I wouldn’t spend my money going to space. Or investing. Or buying art. Or fighting climate change and donating it to the needy or any of that useless shit. No. All I would do is buy up a ton of commercials for myself. I did some research and if I wanted buy up all the commercials in a Sunday Night Football game, it would only cost me $40 million. Which, if I’m Jeff Bezos with 191 billion, is really not that much. Just an hour worth of my own commercials spread across the entire broadcast. You wouldn’t be able to escape me. I’d do my thoughts. I’d do some skits. Maybe a black screen where you think you got rid of me but nope I pop in from the side, “Hey gang, it’s Tommy again!” Fake people out where they see a car driving down the highway and think it’s a car commercial. Nope. Tommy’s driving. Shot of a family eating together at McDonald’s. Pan out a little. Tommy’s eating at the table next to them. I’d eventually become the most hated man in America. They just want to watch their beloved Cowboys but have to hear me talking about restaurants and Uber etiquette every 10 minutes. People would be begging to see Flo from Progress again.
-There’s nothing quite like the thrill of getting a good picture of yourself. Guys specifically, we don’t take a lot of pictures. And most of the time, it’s an alright picture or something looks bad. But every so often you just get that perfect picture and you can ride that thing like a thoroughbred horse at the Derby. You only need one every like 3 years. But boom - Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, dating apps, new profile picture. Maybe you do a weekly video series on Instagram and you throw it in there. Need as many eyeballs as possible on it when everything in the universe comes together for that perfect moment.
Here is picture for reference in case you were wondering.
-It’s crazy how much dogs love treats. Nobody in the world loves anything as much as dogs love treats. You can make them do anything with a treat. You can have a dog refusing to go in its cage. Just does not want to be in there. But if you just throw a treat in there? They can’t help themselves. They know it means they have to do the very thing they don’t want to do and go in that cage, but it doesn’t matter. They still do it. You can see them pause and weigh the pros and cons. The con is “Damn I’m gonna be stuck in this small cage for hours on end and cry the whole time.” And the pro is “I get to eat this sweet little cookie for about 15 seconds” and they just always choose the treat. It’s an unbelievable amount of power. I’d say there’s nothing that can make humans behave that way, but then I remembered there is…. it’s a little thing called money and capitalistic greed.
-We need to come to an agreement as a society that if you’re snoring in public, all strangers have the right to wake you up. If you’re on a plane or train and you’re snoring loudly, stopping everyone else from sleeping, you’re allowed to, not be killed, but maybe just have water splashed on your face or something. This is about the greater good here.
Thank you for your time.
Please also subscribe to the podcast version on Apple and Spotify.