The Epidemic Of Women Bursting Into Tears Over Wedding Dresses Is Still Running Rampant

Not all of us get to experience the same milestones in our lives, but if you're a girl, a basic bitch, and you have basic bitch friends, a major moment in your life will be going along with your best friends to help them decide on wedding dresses.

Why is this such a big deal? Yesterday I got to go along with my oldest bestie, friends since the 4th grade, and watch her try on roughly 15 different dresses in varying shades of white. Beads, embroidery, sequins, appliques. A day-long flurry of tulle and satin, tons of "OOOOOOHs" and "AHHHHHs" at all the right moments. I'm on record with mixed feelings about marriage, but I've watched enough Say Yes To The Dress over the years to understand that when you're called up from the Bridesmaid Bench to assist in picking out THE DRESS, you bring your A game. 

Somewhere along the line, women have been conditioned to act and feel a certain way when the topic of marriage comes around. Apart from watching your friends walk down the aisle, picking out The Dress is probably the #1 Most Emotional moment. But, WHY? Who did this to us?? Do we blame TLC, the TV Network that shows Say Yes To The Dress reruns for hours on end every single day? According to SYTTD, this is the formula for "how to act" when picking out dresses:

1. Never bring too many people - too many people, too many opinions. Not everyone has watched enough SYTTD to be able to comment on what's good and what's bad. Also, NEVER bring your in-laws. They will almost always clash with your mom/sisters.

2. Remember it's all about "the shape" - how the shape of the bride's body looks in the dress, ("this one doesn't show off your figure! your boobs look flat!) what the shape of the actual dress is, ("the empire waist cuts you in half, maybe we'll try one with a fuller skirt?")  and envisioning the dress with the correct measurements. (Do guys know that when you go to try on dresses, they put you in any size, and the stylist just uses a bunch of clips to miraculously fit it to your body? You end up looking perfect in the front, but like a bunched up mess in the back, where you have to pretend to know what the right size is going to look like)

3. The Color - MUST be seen in every type of light available, because after looking at so many white dresses, you start to be able to tell the difference between different shades of white with your naked eye. This is also a part of our chemical makeup, apparently.

4. Asking "Can you see yourself getting married in this dress?" - this is important to say at least 5 times, because as discussed, dress shopping is all about "envisioning." It's also the perfect way to express that YOU don't really like the dress the bride has on, but just in case she really loves it, you give her the floor to sell you on it.

5. The Addition Of The Veil - This….this will be hard to describe. The one true mystery when it comes to dress shopping. On SYTTD, they call it "Jacking you up." You think you may have found THE ONE. You're about 90% ready to drop 5 grand on the most important outfit you'll ever wear, and you need something to bring you all the way home. The Veil does this. A single, long piece of tulle gets clipped to The Bride's head, and its immediate waterworks from everyone in the room. It "brings it all together" and "makes it feel real." You know what? It actually does. My friend found what she thought was going to be her dress, we all walked into the wide open space with huge windows letting in all the natural light, the stylist put on a veil, we all sobbed, and she Said Yes. It was like we didn't even have a choice - it was instinct, second nature to be acting this way. We had been looking at dresses for over four hours, no tears. One single veil - swollen eyes all around. 

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I guess the point of this blog is to say that, no matter how contrarian you want to be, no matter how many times you say your heart is made of stone and you think you're above "tradition," deep down, it's already way too late. Girls have had the pressure/fairytale idea of Weddings and Dresses since the moment we came out of the womb. It's engrained in our souls; some girls wear it on their sleeves, other girls need the moment to present itself, but that Basic Bitch Wedding Dragon is always lying dormant, waiting for a Cathedral length veil with rhinestones to awaken the beast. 

Also, HUGE shouts to Lovely Bride salon in TriBeCa. They were extremely pleasant and patient, and I saw some of the most beautiful dresses I've ever seen in my life. Highly recommend them if you're in the market for your own dress.