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Congratulations To My Beloved Boston Red Sox For An Exciting Win Against The New York Yankees Last Night

LMAOOO!!! What a fucking fraud Gerrit Cole is! Hal Steinbrenner is puking at the thought of his 324 million bucks, gone to waste! Nate Eovaldi stays THE GOAT! Xander Bogaerts and Kyle Schwarber smashing doinks to the moon! Alex Verdugo with RBIs out the ass! THATS WHAT WE DO IN BOSTON BABY!

Congratulations to my very favorite baseball team, The Boston Red Sox, on this BEATDOWN of the Bronx Bombers. I think we all knew what was going to happen tonight - Yankee fans can't keep their shit together to save their lives. All they do is rip each other apart from the inside. We saw it yesterday, Yankees fans all over New York unable to function. I saw a guy in a Yankees hat walk directly into traffic before the game even started! Sadly, he lived, but he wished he hadn't! He knew the quick and extremely painful death that would come with being impaled by a 3,000 pound hunk of metal would still be a pain lesser than that of what the Yankees could bring him from Fenway Park. What a choke job! 

LOL! Hey Giancarlo! FREEZING COLD TAKE! The Yankees COULD be stopped! By the Red Sox! You might wanna delete that tweet! At this point, the Red Sox have eliminated the Yankees and have won 8 of their last 9 postseason games against them dating back to Game 4 of the 2004 ALCS. AND YOU GUYS THOUGHT **WE** WOULD LOSE??? Enjoy your bus ride back to the Bronx, maybe you can scrape some of your pinstripes off the floor of the 4 train. 

Now, I know my Sox could've done this on their own, but what was different about last night? Why was this win so magical? Did they have someone new on their side?

Oh yea, they had ME. The biggest fan in the building. Boston born and raised, all because Tommy Smokes decided to "congratulate himself on a big week" with a bottle of wine from MY DESK.


What an idiot. Stupidity from top to bottom. On new issue day Wild Card Game day?? You decide to piss off the only girl in the office who thinks it's cool to talk about how she's trying to become a witch?? I said it before, I hope the juice was worth the squeeze. I hope you'll all start to believe the kind of power I hold. I'll snap my fingers and bring down an entire empire from a wine bar in Chelsea, while simultaneously live tweeting The Bachelor. I turned on my OWN CITY just to prove a point. Don't touch my shit or I'll turn your Baseball Dreams into Nightmares.

This blog is apparently over but uh, let me just say this - I’ve been a baseball fan since I was what, in the office yesterday? And I will go to sleep tonight, peacefully with 27 dresses playing on the TV in the background knowing, that I will never fuckin wake up a God Damn Red Sox Yankees fan, FUCK YOU New York!