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Cubs Fans, Don't Jump: Rizzo & Schwarber Are Leading Off Tonight

This news hits me slightly different because these are my chubby lefties. No I'm still not over it. Sue me for holding onto things but these two guys are just so fucking wonderful to watch and of course they're leading off tonight against each other. In one corner is quite literally the most disappointing Cubs leadoff hitter of my life. In the other is the best emergency leadoff hitter in Cubs history. Two guys that couldn't be happier to be away from Wrigley and into the playoffs. This is the sweetest justice Tom Ricketts could be served. Listen to us whine and bitch as we watch these two thunder dicks do battle on baseball's biggest stage. 

Meanwhile can I interest you ladies in some sweet sweet action? 

If I know my pain and misery the way I think I do, you would be very sharp to play this bet. Sharp money says they both go deep at least 3 or 4 times because that honestly might just kill me. 

Say a prayer for me thank you.