The Definitive Rankings Of Months Of The Year

This is my friend Nick. Nick used to work for 670 The Score. Nick is a great dude. But this abomination of a tweet should get him sent to Guantanamo Bay or something. This is the most wildly inaccurate "take" in the history of history. Unbelievably bad. This Tweet should be flagged as misinformation and his account should be banished for life. It's that bad.

And because I have nothing to write about today it's so bad, it's my job to fix it by ranking the 12 months of the year. So without further adieu, here's the definitive ranking of the months of the year. This list goes from worst to first: 

12. February:

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Nick was correct here. Absolute worst month of the year. The weather sucks BALLS, there's still hardly any daylight football is over at the beginning of the month, baseball doesn't really start until the end of the month, and basketball/hockey are in their dog days. That, and if you have a significant other, you gotta make plans for the dumbest holiday of the year, Valentine's Day and if you get those plans wrong, you're FUCKED. Absolutely disgusting month. No other month of the year even comes close to being as shitty as February. 

Oh and this is the month you realize that you put on 100 pounds throughout the course of the winter. It's only redeeming quality is that it's the shortest month of the year. There is nothing good about it otherwise. 

Fuck February and fuck you're mother

11. January:

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If it weren't for football being in full swing, January would take the cake for being the worst month of the year. The weather is PUTRID. I'm talking polar vortexes that freeze the snot in your nose the moment you walk outside. 12" of snow. Icy roads. High temperatures of 4 degrees. Next to no daylight. The holidays are over. Thank god the NFL playoffs are awesome. If they weren't, January would be the worst month of the year in a goddamn landslide. 

10. April:

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April kinda stinks. Doesn't have too much character. That said, the weather is turning. By the end of the month, you can put your winter clothes away for good. Sure, baseball has commenced it's regular season, but baseball also has a LONG season. Mundane early April games where you're dressing as if you're tailgating a Bears game are kinda bleh. March Madness is over early in the month and who gives a shit about the NBA or NHL? Not anyone with a brain like me, that's for sure. 

BUT… the days are getting longer. Daylight savings has already passed and you see those random 80 degree days. Trees start to bloom. People are outside more. It's not a god awful month by any stretch. It's more just a month of perpetual blue balls. One day it'll be 75 degrees and you're rocking shorts and a t shirt, a day or two later, you get snow. It's a far stretch from January and February, but it's not a great month by any means. The best day of April is opening day for baseball. Other than that, it's just a whole lotta nothin'. 

9. November:

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November kinda blows. The worst part of November BY FAR is that we move the clocks back for whatever stupid reason. One day you're leaving the office and have a little bit of sunlight left. The next day it's dark at 4pm and you realize that you won't be seeing too much sunlight for the next few months.

Sure, Thanksgiving is sweet. Nothing better than stuffing your face with so much booze, food and football that you can't move and don't feel guilty about it. But the weather also kinda sucks. Might see a random snow storm or two and you have to start worrying about your jacket from last winter fitting properly or not. Fall in general is fine. The weather is, in fact, refreshing. I can admit that even with my prior admittance to loving heat. 

Overall though? Just a whatever month. It's got football and Thanksgiving. Pretty much it, unless you care about NHL and NBA which I don't. 

8. August:

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This chick has a great ass

Now I'm putting August here because I'm a man of the people. I place it in the bottom 1/3rd of months because I know not many people like it. ALL that there is is baseball as far as sports are concerned. To me, that's perfectly fine. To others, not so much. I also happen to love heat. At one point or another, I will be a snowbird and live out the cold months in Scottsdale, AZ. That's why I happen to think August is a perfectly adequate month, but if I didn't like heat, I'd say August totally fucking blows. 

Credit to me for thinking of the people when constructing this blog. Some people are just sick and tired of the sticky heat. You walk outside, you're soaked in sweat. There's no football. There's no hockey or basketball. August is just kinda a traitless month all things considered. It's better than January and February by a mile and wins out over April because of MLB playoff chases and better weather, but aside from that, it's a big nothing burger. Simple as that. 

7. September: 

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I really enjoy September. Football has started, the MLB playoff chase is HOT, the weather is great, and we start to see the change of season that we act like we love, yet immediately regret acting like we love because we know summer is winding down. The days of 90+ degree heat with 100% humidity are gone, jeans start to make a comeback towards the end of the month, and NBA/NHL are on the horizon if you're into that kinda thing, which idk why you would be, but to each their own. 

That said, apparently it's the worst month for stocks or some shit. At least that's what the internet tells me. Besides that, there's nothing wrong with September. There's just nothing really great about it at the same time. Perfectly middling month, and that's okay.

6. December: 

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December is a month of highs and lows. The lows are easy; days are the shortest of the year. Sunlight might as well be nonexistent. The weather blows, too. Snow, cold, shitty roads, you know the drill. 

Now, I did say that this is the definitive list and that no other ranking will be allowed. People will love December because of the holidays; others will hate December because of the holidays. I personally don't HATE December, I just think it's more of a coin flip between December and September. My family lives all over the country (and world) at this point so it's mostly just my dad, brother and I for the holidays. To celebrate Christ's birthday, we have a tradition of getting snot slinging drunk and going to the casino. 

BY FAR the best part of December is that there are also a ton of off days in December, too. At Barstool, the two-ish week stretch between Christmas and New Years where we don't have any obligations. The whole operation sort of shuts down for a bit so we can recalibrate and be with family. Same goes for a lot of other people. You've built up plenty of PTO that you need to cash in on, and when you do, you sit and catch up on TV shows for a 2 week stretch where you don't shower, change clothes, or leave the apartment unless it's to get the bare essentials. That stretch is awesome. If it weren't for the dog shit weather and having to deal with your asshole in laws, December would be ranked way higher. 

5. May

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May is a fucking great month. The weather is absolutely PERFECT. Winter is long in the rear view mirror and baseball is in full swing. If you take a stroll down just about any street in Chicago, the sun dresses will be out in full swing. Legs, legs, and more legs. The days are longer and day drinking, chillin' at Castaways on North Ave. Beach and patio season, baseball tailgates are here, and you have the ENTIRE summer to look forward to. 

It's a borderline top 1/3rd month and that's just a fact of life. 

4. June

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Just a fantastic month. Everything that can be said for May can also be said for June, except everything is just that much better and to put it WELL into the top 3rd of months is that fact that outdoor concerts and festivals are seemingly every single weekend in Chicago starting in June. 

3. July

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The 4th of July is the best holiday of the year and that is a stone cold FACT. Baseball, beer, bitches, barbecues. Warm weather. Pools. National Pride. FUN. Off days of work. Concerts. Maybe a road trip with the boys. Fuck man. Just thinking of all this makes me wish I lived in a perpetual state of July like it's Groundhog's Day or something. 

Like I said, I'm a man of the people. I don't need anything other than baseball but all the factors above put July top 3 of months 100%. There are no objections to this because that is a literal impossibility. 

2. October

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Absolutely fucking great month for sports. We're balls deep in football, MLB playoffs WHICH ARE THE BEST PLAYOFFS are in full swing, the weather is crisp and lovely, the scenery with the leaves changing colors warms our hearts even though it's still like 80 degrees a lot of days, and one of the best holidays of the calendar year, Halloween, resides in October. Halloween is the best because it gives girls a get out of jail free card to dress up extra…. risqué…. and we perverts get to reap the benefits of said attire by staring at them from a distance. If it weren't for winter being on the near horizon, Halloween is the best month of the year.

1. March

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The best month of the year without question. The weather still has a little bit of residual winter shiftiness, but it also has those random 75 degree days that remind us what's about to come. The clocks move back an hour so the days are longer, there's St. Patrick's Day smack dab in the middle of it which is one of the most fun days of the year, and then there's the best tournament in sports, March Madness. 

There's also the fact that regular season baseball is just about to start. Opening Day for MLB has fallen in March a few times in the last couple years as a matter of fact. Also, if you want to knock a week or so off what can still be shitty weather, just head on down to AZ or FL to check out spring training of your favorite team. It's cheap, fun and the weather is typically perfect. 

March is the best month of the year and that's just a stone cold fact. No other months come close to competing for the belt. March is as good a month as February is bad. 

There you have it. I'm locking comments so you losers can't spread your anti WSD month ranking propaganda to others. Fuck each and every one of you and have a great weekend. Go White Sox 

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