I hate to admit it, but I stink at TikTok. I don't know if it's because I am old, I already have a crushing addiction to Twitter, or my kids soak up every free moment where I am not staring at my phone screen. But I have never been able to get into TikTok, which isn't the best thing in the world considering my profession.
I thought maybe if I hit viral gold by recreating that Ocean Spray guy's video on Thanksgiving morning despite sleeping roughly 30 minutes the night before as the luggage under my eyes would suggest, the wave of dopamine that comes with Likes and Follows would have my dumbass coming back for more.
Instead the video got as many likes in roughly a year that Portnoy gets one second after posting a One Bite video.
~Turns on Stephen A. Smith voice~
HOWEVAH Max Kellerman, @yojairyjaimee has shown me how great this app can be outside of the 10 second videos of girls shaking their asses or the depraved shit KenJac occasionally tweets. Sure a good chunk of that is just replaying some of the greatest sports rants ever broadcast in this world of ours, including a few that would cause mobs of angry internetters in the year 2021 because everything has to be a thing now. But standing on the shoulders of giants is a tried and true way to get noticed in the digital media game (Source: 95% of us here at Barstool).
She's not quite an audio shapeshifter that can turn into someone else using their voice like Joey Mulinaro. Yet she absolutely nails the mannerisms and cadences of the most (and maybe only) electrifying man at the channel formerly known as the Worldwide Leader to the point I wondered if she plugged into some sort of Matrix machine, which is as good a reason to give TikTok another try as anything else I have seen, which funny enough includes this video that I saw this morning.
Fuck it, if the Chinese want all my personal information they can have it since videos like that are about as good as it gets in this digital hellscape we live in. I just need someone to DM me all the best TikTok accounts to follow. It looks like you can't open your DMs on TikTok so follow me, I'll follow back, and let's open up this beautiful app for an old smut blogger looking to evolve. Or don't because that may have been a trick for me to get more followers. I don't know.
P.S. I thought I included her Kanye clips which are great too since he is one of the few people that can go toe-to-toe with Stephen A. Smith in a soliloquy battle.