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Female Staffer Claims That Trump Called Her from Air Force One to Defend the Size and Shape of His Penis

Let's begin with the usual and essential, bipartisan, agenda-free disclaimer that national party politics blow. And putting a former president's name in a headline is neither an endorsement of him or anyone who came before and after. And to offer a reminder that one of the saving graces of this broken, dysfunctional system is when the people who get elected do stupid, ridiculous, but entertaining things that all of us from across the philosophical spectrum can point at and mock for our own entertainment. 

That's my political bent. I'm a big lowest common denominator guy. The more lowbrow the humor directed at the people in charge, the better for my likin'. Which is what makes those first few months after a change in an administration so special. Because that's when the tell-all books come out. 

Disgruntled former staffers with axes to grind who are no long near the seats of power and are not beholden to anyone. Dishing the dirt like the chattering birds that they are. It's glorious.

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Sure, they're a cynical money grab by the authors. These are people who took jobs where they were put in a position of trust. Witness to private moments and privy to personal information and expected to keep confidential moments confidential. And maybe a 100 years ago they would have. Hell, FDR was afflicted with polio and no one in his administration said boo about it, even as he got elected and was near death. Fortunately, that was then and this is now. And it's a joyous time for us Correctly Apolitical. 

So it is that one of these behind-the-scenes gossip books is coming out, authored by Melania Trump's chief of staff. And whatever else is in there, it can't come close to capturing the public's imagination like a good dick story:

Source - These anecdotes come to us via the forthcoming book I’ll Take Your Questions Now, authored by former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham, who ... saw some stuff. For instance, Trump in a meltdown over Stormy Daniels’s writing in her memoir that his penis was “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small,” and: “He knows he has an unusual penis. It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.” Which led to this scene on Air Force One, according to The Washington Post, which obtained a copy of Grisham’s book: 

Trump behaved inappropriately with Grisham, too, she wrote — once calling her from Air Force One to assure her that his penis was not small or toadstool-shaped, as the porn star Stormy Daniels had alleged.

Say what you will about 45, but you have to admit, it can't be easy to have someone you boned going around telling everyone willing to listen that your dong looks like a Mario Brothers mushroom. Even if she means it's impressive like Goomba or adorable like Toad or she's trying to pay you a compliment by implying it's got powers that would her turn from Stormy into Super Stormy, those are charges that have to be answered. Otherwise your trophy wife's chief of staff won't be able to look at you and the first lady together without picturing you and your toadstoolish johnson. 

Now, as I say this, if I found out some woman might believe I have a small penis, I'd just assume she'd seen me do stand up sometime in the last 30-plus years and let it go. For sure, I wouldn't call her up on work time to try to convince her I've got a gorgeous, impressive member with the length and girth that would be the envy of all lucky enough to bear witness to it. Because I'd worry she might ask me what she's supposed to do with that information, and I wouldn't be sure what to tell her.

Besides, at a moment like that, you've got to pull back and look at it big picture. Denying you have a small hog that looks like it belongs in some General Gao's Chicken will just convince people you do. The louder you argue you're hung like a T-Rex's arm holding an apple, the more people think "cashew." As a respected old boss of mine once put it when we were talking about assholes once, "Big man, big penis. Little man, ALL penis." 

On top of that, you know you'll be out of office eventually. And the dick story you provided the staffer is simply going to push her/his book onto the bestseller list. It's best to just keep the singing of your John Thomas's praises to yourself.