This absolutely horrifying scene played out at Hard Rock Stadium during the Appalachian State-Miami game over the weekend. How a cat found itself dangling off the facade of the upper deck of a stadium filled with people, and how it was managing to hang on for as long as it did, your guess is as good as mine. All we can see from the video evidence is that it managed to dig its claws into something long enough for some U. fans to grab Old Glory, get it underneath the doomed creature and hold it out like the net firefighters use to catch people jumping out of windows.
Here is it from a better angle:
As a quick aside, even if you're not a cat person (and I've never been, until Son No. 1 and his girlfriend got two, and I like those adorable, precocious little felines better than 90% of people I know), you have to feel an enormous sense of relief this ended the way it did. Nobody wants the simple pleasures of a Game Day Saturday at the stadium dampened by cat innards splattering all over the place like the watermelon at a Gallagher show.
And even if that critter managed to survive the fall - which was not likely - at least one of your fellow humans was going to wind up getting kamikazed in the head by a kinetic ball of terrified fur, claws and teeth and end up needing major, reconstructive face surgery like that lady on Oprah who was mauled by the chimp. If they were lucky enough to live to tell the tale.
So all's well that ends well. The people in the upper deck are relieved. The quick-thinking, fast acting first responders can feel proud of their heroism. Presumably the cat is OK. Though if I'm being honest, I don't trust that thing's survival instinct. No doubt it's already stuck up at the top of a telephone pole or jumping off a highway overpass as we speak. Cat depression is real. If you or a loved one are experiencing it, seek professional help.
But to me, a moment like this can't truly be complete unless we get America's foremost impressionist doing his most tried and true bit. One that never, ever gets old, no matter how long it's been since Pat Summerall and John Madden were a team.
Gets me every, single time. In the Kingdom of Thorntopia, as benign dictator Jerry I, I'm going to hire Frank Caliendo as my Court Impersonator. And any time there's a history-making event or even a great national tragedy, I'm going to help my subjects process their joys, fears, hopes and sorrows by having him do Summerall and Madden over the video. They were national treasures, and so is he.
P.S. On a slightly related note, long time ago my family had a stray cat caught in a tree in our backyard for what seemed like forever, but was probably like four days, because it meowed in fear all day and night. The town said they don't do that kind of rescue anymore because of the liability. But kids in the neighborhood were heartbroken and kept asking me to do something about it. Like I've got a bucket truck in the driveway I wasn't using. Or experience climbing giant trees from all those years I spent being raised in the forest by my woodland friends. My point to them was "Cats are natural climbers. It'll find it's way down like every other cat that's ever gotten stuck. After all, when was the last time you saw a cat skeleton in a tree?" Subsequently, when was the last time you saw one in the cheap seats at a football game? Right again, Jer.