Yesterday I was aimlessly wandering my local Target, as I'm one to do, when the unmistakable glow of the Hood Eggnog carton jumped out of the corner of my eye and back into my refrigerator for the next four months. I didn't even think of the date when I first saw it. Just felt right. Mostly because the date really has nothing to do with my everlasting desire to slug some 'nog. It makes, and I really need to hammer this home, ZERO GODDAMN SENSE that eggnog is only available in the autumn. I wont even say winter, despite 'nog's close relationship with Christmas, because the second Boxing Day rolls around they rip that shit off the shelves faster than cranberry sauce on Black Friday.
Now when I say I want eggnog year 'round I genuinely mean that shit. I say it with my chest out, right in the grocery store manager's face. I know it's not his problem, he's merely the conduit between myself - the customer - and Hood - the producer of this delicious nectar. I know other brands make eggnog, at least they try. No one has come particularly close to matching the flavor and consistency of Hood's Golden in this man's humble opinion. If God could cum I'm positive that's what a mouthful of his holiness would taste like. Anywho, the crux of my argument for 365 days of eggnog availability is quite simple, and so logical you'll be hard pressed to conjure a counter. All I've been hearing in protest of my argument is that, "Why would you drink it when it's hot out?" Oh, you mean like a milkshake, motherfucker? A thick, creamy beverage on a hot summer's eve, yeah who the fuck would want that? Oh, that's right, literally everyone.
People have made similar points with stuffing. Stuffing is the premier Thanksgiving side and people claim they yearn for it during the offseason. But that parallel really doesn't work, mostly because you can buy stuffing whenever you want. It's there for the taking, right in the bread aisle. I promise you it's sitting there right now collecting dust as you strut by it, not even thinking about it like the goddamn poser you are. You don't really want stuffing because that requires turkey, and turkey is a Z-tier main course. But that's a debate for another day. The point is you could have stuffing any day you desired. Eggnog is held hostage by the manufacturers and only released once they deem it socially acceptable. They even print a wintry scene on the box to remind you that the best day of the year - Christmas - is looming large on the horizon. I'm here to tell the fine people at Hood, Southern Comfort, all of the 'nog manufacturers far and wide: you don't need to wait anymore. I'm tearing down this social construct in order to form a better tomorrow. I want to celebrate the independence of this nation with a tall, frosty glass of eggnog. Because we really aren't truly free until we, the people, have the choice as to when we consume our 'nog.