Tom Brady Narrating the Bucs Hype Video Just Adds Insult to New England's Injury

You'd think I'd be over the breakup by now. That time would've healed all wounds at this point, there'd be plenty enough water under that bridge, pages would have been turned, and that I'd run out of homespun metaphors for learning to move on after a loss. 

And sometimes I'm convinced I have. If I've learned anything from watching my friends deal with the pain of divorce, it's that there is no more effective therapeutic than finding someone much younger than your ex and taking them for wild rides on the F-Train. In a recent survey, four out of five buddies recommended it to all divorcees. The science is settled on that. And when it comes to my quarterbacks, I've gotten exactly the young, attractive rebound I was hoping for. So that treatment has helped a lot. 

But then there's stuff like this. Tom Brady narrating the Bucs season kickoff hype video is like him releasing his own F-Train video with his new soulmate. The one he seems to be way more in love with than he ever was here. In recent years, anyway.

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In Episode 1 of "Do Your Pod," Patriots insider Tom E. Curran goes into detail about how and why things went south between Brady and the Pats. How unhappy he'd gotten with his contract. How he grew to resent being treated like he was the same guy who was fourth on the depth chart as a rookie. And once the team traded Jimmy Garoppolo in 2017 and Brady approached them about a long term commitment, they came back with just an incentives-based extension and he began plotting his escape. As well as doing whatever the hell he felt like doing. Publishing his TB12 Fitness book. Filming the "Tom vs. Time" docuseries. And skipping OTAs.

Try for one hot second to imagine that Tom Brady - the post 2017 Brady - taking part in one of the team's vanity projects like a hype video. You can't. And from other people I've spoken to, over those last few years he refused to take part in anything for the team for which he was not contractually obligated. 

Now in Tampa, he can't get enough of the extracurricular activities. When he's not narrating videos, he's conducting workouts, posting love notes to Bruce Arians, making posters for the Booster's club fundraiser and selling raffle tickets. And it's bringing back all the feelings I thought I'd gotten over. It's like he's teabagging my soul and making sure I know it was never that special between us. 

And now I can't help but hope the sequel he's talking about is the football equivalent of "Speed 2," "Batman Forever" or "Jaws 4: The Shark That's Been Killed 3 Times is Hunting Mrs. Brody in the Bahamas and Michael Caine Will Sell His Dignity for a Payday." 

Dammit all. And watching him light up the Cowboys for 350 yards and 4 TDs tonight isn't going to help one damned bit. All that's going to help cauterize this reopened wound will be this guy: 

Sunday afternoon can't come soon enough. Here's looking forward to 20 years of hype videos featuring No. 10.