Masshole Goes Full 'Florida Woman' by Driving Naked in a Golf Cart Into the Middle of an Armed Police Standoff
Source - A tense standoff between Florida authorities and an armed suspect became even more dangerous over the weekend when a naked 28-year-old woman suddenly drove into the crime scene on a golf cart, according to reports.
The woman, identified as Jessica Smith, from Boston, had "a distinct odor of an alcoholic beverage coming from her person, and she was completely nude," an affidavit of the incident said, according to FOX 13 of Tampa Bay.
At the time, police in Dunedin had several Pinellas County sheriff’s office vehicles parked around the crime scene, the station reported. Smith allegedly drove past the law enforcement vehicles and into the area where authorities were confronting an armed 18-year-old suspect in what turned out to be a six-hour standoff, the report said. ...
Authorities said Smith had no connection to the armed suspect, WFLA-TV of Tampa reported. Smith was charged with resisting an officer without violence, the report said.
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The armed suspect was identified as Myles Abbott. He had allegedly fired a gun at people in the area, ran from responding deputies and climbed onto the roof of the house where the standoff occurred, FOX 13 reported.
What is it they say about how a person might not be from a particular place, but they can still be of there? Which I guess is meant to mean it's not always about geography; it can be about culture. A feeling. A state of mind.
Some people visit Paris for the first time and get swept up in the romance, the art and the cuisine. Others set foot in Manhattan and become obsessed with the Broadway shows, the museums and the shopping. Tropical vacations can put the most uptight guy in the world on Island Time and cornrows into the hair of the most straight-laced white girls. And this young Masshole lady could not be more assimilated into the culture of Dunedin, Florida than she was in this moment.
That "distinctive odor of alcoholic beverage coming from her person" is more than just unintentionally funny Copspeak, it's a way of life in Boston. Massholes might not have invented it (our European ancestors get to spike that football), but we have perfected it. The rest? Naked? Tooling around Full Monty in a golf cart? Riding into the middle of a tense police standoff? Finding yourself between heavily-armed law enforcement officers and an 18-year-old who just fired random shots in a neighborhood and climbed to the roof of a house like he's frigging Spider-Man? That is pure Florida. The very essence of life in America's Wang. As a matter of fact, the image of a drunk 28-year-old going Sun's Out, Guns Out in an E-Z Go should be on the Florida state flag. Ron DeSantis should get out ahead of Trump on the issue of Naked Golf Cart rights to secure the 2024 Republican nomination. Hell, he should have Ms. Smith register as a Florida resident and make her his Lt. Governor. She's just that perfect a representation of what his great state is all about.
Still, let's be glad everyone is safe. While commending the police for risking their necks to deescalate an extremely dangerous situation for all involved, with no one getting hurt. And to the rest of the populace down there, congrats. You've turned one of us into one of you. And that is not easily done.