I've Found A Way To Always Get A 5-Star Uber Passenger Rating

-When someone asks me how I’m doing and I reply “Good how are you?” and they say “Great” to one up me, it makes me want to punch them right in the throat. 

-This is by far the most sick and deranged thing I do. When I get out of an Uber, I’ll intentionally close the door too softly so it’s not all the way shut at first. Then I give it a second and go back to properly shut it. I just feel like it makes me look more thoughtful and courteous, and the driver will think like “wow he took the time to make sure it was properly closed” and he will in turn like me more and give me a good rating. I am a sick puppy. 

-I was recently outside a CVS and a girl stopped me to ask if I could donate money to her anti-bullying campaign..... and I said no. I’m against bullying, don’t get wrong. Look at me, for God's sakes. But it just doesn’t feel like bullying is an issue that can be solved with money. Are we going to pay these little shits to stop bullying kids? I ran all the scenarios in my head like I'm Doctor Strange and I didn't see a single scenario where me giving that girl like 10 bucks stopped even a single instance of bullying. So I told her to get the fuck out of my face. 

-I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about when I’m supposed to ask someone “what floor?” when I’m on an elevator. Is it always the responsibility of the first person to ask others and hit it for them? If someone’s hands are full, sure, I'll ask them. But usually I just hit my button and stand to the side so everyone else can hit their own button. I think we should all agree that this is a "do it yourself" task. 

-I’m so sick of hearing about Norway, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark all the time. I feel like every time a new study comes out - smartest people, happiest lives, quality of life, etc. they’re always at the top of the list and I just don’t buy it. They gotta be fudging the numbers or something. What does Finland have that it makes this heaven on Earth? America has to be up there in this shit too. Personally, I think we should start a war and destroy them all. 

Thank you for your time.