Congratulations To Apple CEO, Tim Cook, Who Gets A Nice $750 MILLION Lump Sum Today In Stock

Apple CEO Tim Cook is reportedly set to rake in $750 million this week in the final installment of the pay deal he signed a decade ago when he succeeded Steve Jobs. 

Cook will be given 5 million Apple shares worth about $750 million, Bloomberg reported Thursday. The reward will provide a significant boost to the CEO’s current net worth of $1.5 billion, according to the outlet. 

Sixty-year-old Cook first took over from Steve Jobs in 2011, signing a monster pay deal that included generous stock payouts year after year, according to Bloomberg. In 2020, Cook made a $14.8 million salary and had $281 million worth of stock options that vested, according to the Hollywood Reporter.

750 MILLION DOLLARS IN A DAY. It must be good to be Tim Cook. Nice little nut on top of his $281M stock option he got last year. Every time your phone is two models away from the new version and it slows down...Tim Cook. Every time they change the power cord so you have to buy a new one...Tim Cook. Every time you fork over a measly 50cents/month for extra cloud storage...Tim Cook. Just when you thought you were maxed out on streaming platforms...Tim Cook. He's the CEO of the first ever company to reach a market cap for TWO TRILLION and I feel like he is basically anonymous compared to Bezos, Musk, Zuckerberg, and his other contemporary tech titans of industry. If this guy walked into a bar in Boston he would get asked for a million pictures by guys who think he's Jerry Thornton. And yet the average person probably forks over more money to him and Apple than any of these other companies. I can't decide if that makes him an ideal tech billionaire or the runt of the litter. Probably the former. Nobody wants to have their sunscreen zink nose blasted all over the internet by the paparazzi. Cook just gets to sit back, laugh at all the founders doing dumb shit like flying penises into orbit while drinks another bottle of champagne and watches the apple stock soar to the moon. 

I was trying to think of what I would buy if the first I suddenly had a billion dollars chilling in my bank account and given the state of everything...I think I'd like to buy a country. Find some dead beat country in that needs cash and buy an island off them or something, but under the stipulation that my new island is a totally independent country and has to be recognized by the UN and shit (not that I'd ever go to meetings). Set up a whole new place that is hopefully near timezones that make it easy to watch American sports. That's all I really care about. In my new country I would legalize sports gambling and strike a deal with Penn to have the Barstool app. What else do you really need? A boat. A field for my horses and George to run around. Then just to be left alone. That is goals. I guess I would have to hire an assistant to be the President of Chieflandia too because I don't want to run anything. Just want my small tropical island, a ski place in Steamboat, and to not hear from anyone about anything. That is what Cook should do when he retires.