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BAD NEWS: Apparently Every Hot Dog You Eat Takes 35 Minutes Off Your Life

NY Post- “We use the results to inform marginal dietary substitutions, which are realistic and feasible,” authors wrote. “We find that small, targeted, food-level substitutions can achieve compelling nutritional benefits and environmental impact reductions.”

The foods studied ranged from 74 minutes lost to 80 minutes gained per serving. Sugary drinks, hotdogs, burgers and breakfast sandwiches were linked with most minutes of healthy life lost, whereas fruits, non-starchy and mixed vegetables, ready-to-eat cereals and cooked grains were associated with the largest gains.

More specifically, researchers found that consuming one 85-gram serving of chicken wings translated to 3.3 minutes of life lost, owing to sodium and harmful trans fatty acids, while a beef hotdog on a bun resulted in some 36 minutes lost “largely due to the detrimental effect of processed meat,” study authors wrote. What’s more, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were associated with a positive increase of 33 added minutes. 

Foods like salted peanuts, baked salmon and rice with beans were also associated with positive gains between 10 to 15 minutes.

Ok somebody alert the church elders! Someone sound the alarm! Alert the authorities! This is BAD NEWS BEARS. The beautiful taste of a dog just as American as apple pie...hell I'd say it's even 10x more American in my book. An all-natural beef dog surrounded by a sturdy bun topped with some yellow mustard and relish simply just hits different. Don't even get me started on if this dog has some crisp to it or even more toppings to make it one of my favorite hot dogs, the Chicago Dog. 

I could care less if any of those dogs aren't even in Chicago. They're just THAT damn good. So to hear that these bad boys could quite possibly be taking 35 minutes off our life for every single one we eat is the definition of a tough pill to swallow. A really, really, really tasty pill.

And 35 minutes is a LONG fucking time. It's not like we're talking about 30 seconds. It's not like we're talking about 10 minutes. We're talking about 35 fucking minutes. That's pretty much an episode of Ted Lasso! So if I have to pick between an episode of Ted Lasso or a tasty hot dog...

I really don't know what I'd pick. I just want to live in a peaceful world where I can watch Ted Lasso while enjoying a simultaneously in harmony without the fear of losing 35 minutes. Guess I gotta start eating baked salmon for every hot dog I take down.