The Milk Crate Challenge Is The Next Great Olympic Sport
Ever since this video first appeared on my timeline the other day, it seems like every neighborhood in the country has gathered their finest milk crates and jumped on board. I don't know where folks are finding an abundance of milk crates, I've heard "behind Wal-Mart" is where they're essentially free. But I'm not too worried about the logistics about how this great sport came to be, all I care about is the athletes putting their physical wellbeing on the line day after day. I've yet to see a single shattered bone which feels impossible given the severity of these falls.
A concussion for certain, but that cig stayed lit and ready to be puffed throughout. This is rookie Shohei Ohtani of the milk crate game.
As a fellow large boned individual, we gotta have some self-awareness. This is NOT the sport for us by any stretch of the imagination. I don't care how confident you are in your balance, you get anywhere near that top crate and it's a guarantee that gravity, along with the rest of the internet, is waiting to laugh in your face.
The worst effort yet. This man was already thinking about the prize money before he got to the third crate. This is a sport that requires immense focus, dialed-in determination, each step more important than the last. You can't be taking these long ass John Lennon strides and assume victory or safety. That's how you end up with your back in shambles like this fella.
So far I've only seen one victory.
Based on the evidence at hand, this is our nation's best athlete. I've never seen Michael Phelps do this. LeBron James? Not one time. Mike Trout has never even heard of milk crates. Thousands of contestants and only one winner? How could she not be the GOAT. If I don't see the Milk Crate Challenge in Paris in '24 I know it's because the rest of the world is scared to yield another gold to the United States. And I, for one, will not sit idly by and allow their cowardice to win out. Bring the crates to the games, send the best of your best, we already have our champion and are looking forward to mopping the Eiffel Tower with the competition one fractured vertebrae at a time.