Congrats are in Order for This Blushing Bride and Her New Husband, Michael Jackson's Ghost
One thing I can tell you from talking to fans of this site, it's that our job is not as easy as most people think. A lot goes into the process. A lot of mechanical and logistical work that doesn't necessarily show up in the hilarious, insightful, often grammatically incorrect final product.
Take for instance, headline writing. When we all went to (virtual) blogger school months ago, a good portion of that class was devoted to the subtle nuance of a proper headline. Including, but not limited to, achieving that all-important middle ground of not being boring, but not going to the other extreme of sensationalistic, Buzzfeed-like clickurbation bullshit that costs you credibilty. But at the same time, you've got to be concise. To get to the point without giving the whole blog away before anyone's even started reading. It's a delicate balancing act.
Take, for example, the headline above. It barely covers a third of this seriously mentally ill woman's psychosis. But if I put all of her insane delusions in there, it would become an incomprhensible word soup. In this case, less was more. Here are the details that didn't make the cut. Strap in and keep your hands inside the cart at all times. You're in for a wild ride.
Source - Kathleen Roberts, a woman who claims she’s Marilyn Monroe reincarnate, believes she’s married to the King of Pop’s ghost.
According to an article she wrote for the Daily Star, Roberts alleged that [Michael] Jackson’s ghostly presence doesn’t have sex with her, however, he likes to use her earthly body to dance, sing and eat.
Alongside a video, she revealed that the “Billie Jean” singer proposed to her “clairvoyantly” with a “pink engagement ring.” She also claimed in the article that they had the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. officiate their nuptials when she was getting out of a bathtub.
“Michael stays in me all the time so he comes to the restroom with me and calls these special bonding moments ‘toiletries,’ ” ...
She continued, “So he likes to eat in me. He loves cookies. He cusses a lot more than I’d expect him to as a former fan.” Roberts also admitted her supernatural senses have been previously mistaken as schizophrenia.
She also explained that the late music icon “doesn’t like being touched back.” The clairvoyant added, “He scares me with spider visions and dead corpse visions if I kiss him or try to initiate romance physically.”
Try condensing that all-you-can-eat buffet of derangement down into an easily digestible portion. I might work from the back deck outside my house and never get less than 12 hours of sleep a day. But at moments like this, blogging ain't easy.
That said, if I was Kathleen Roberts' therapist, I would quit immediately, because she needs the best, most professional help available. Preferably in a secure facility with cushioned walls and nothing but sporks to eat with so she isn't a danger to herself and others.
But if I had to advise her, I'd start with this Marilyn Monroe business. I get how everyone who thinks they've been reincarnated says they're some beloved icon or revered historical figure. They're always Joan of Arc or Shakespeare, Cleopatra or Napoleon. No one ever says in their past life they were a caveman or a peasant who shoveled shit in a feudal castle, a grave robber or a mollusk. But Marilyn Monroe? Honestly?
Marilyn was so depressed she overdosed on pills, even though she looked like this:
… every woman on Earth wanted to be her and the leader of the free world was practically boning her on the White House dinner table in front of his wife. So right. She decided to come back in the form of a nobody who looks like Honey Boo-Boo's mom in Kabuki make up who couldn't draw the male gaze at a prison dance.
By the same token, Martin Luther King, Jr. was a man of God whose life was tragically taken by an assassin's bullet before his Earthly work was anywhere near close to completion. If he was going to take time out from exploring the eternal mysteries with the Savior who's Gospels he spread, I'd like to think he'd do it for a worthier cause than hanging out by a toilet waiting for a pre-diabetic mental patient take a bubble bath, just on the odd chance she decides to jump the broom with a pop star's apparition.
As far as her marriage to MJ goes, the part about her eating cookies for two, I have no problem with. Or the part about him not wanting to be touched sexually by her? I can definitely see that. If movies have taught me anything, it's that ghost sex is strictly a one-way proposition.
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And sure, while watching Kathleen go potty definitely would not be my thing, based on what we (allegedly) know about Michael, "toiletries" wouldn't crack his Top 10 weirdest personal habits. So that at least is plausible.
But if I have to give Kathleen Roberts credit for one thing, it's this. I totally believe her when she says she gets spider visions and dead corpse visions. What I object to is the fact that 50 years ago, people like that were institutionalized and treated. They weren't given column space in major news outlets so they can rant like lunatics and get made fun of by idiots like me. For the love of MLK's God, get this woman off the internet and into treatment.