-I absolutely love when someone stops me on the street and asks for directions. They looked at me and thought, “This guy looks like he knows his shit, let me ask him.” It’s such an honor and makes me feel so powerful. And I’ll always answer even if I don’t know. I’ll just confidently say " Oh, three blocks south and an avenue over.” Sure, I could be sending them in the completely wrong direction, but in that moment they thought of me as a knowledgable hero saving them. And that’s all I really care about.
-Apparently it’s more politically correct to call a waiter or waitress a “server” but to me, that sounds a thousand times worse and more degrading. Server sounds way too much like servant which is the most disrespectful thing you can say. I would bet most waiters and waitresses don't care or would even prefer to not be called a server, and this is just a case of people getting offended on behalf of other people who don’t really care that much.
-You don’t know true hate until you go to a bar trivia night and there’s an obnoxious rival team at another table. A bunch of know-it-alls celebrating after every question and rubbing it in. It’s an adrenaline rush of hatred that can’t be healthy but is quite exhilarating.
-A lot of people think it’s great revenge when a singer writes a song about their ex. But to me, that just seems like a great honor if you’re the ex to have an entire song written just about you. I would be so pumped. I would listen to it ALL the time. I’d make it my ringtone. First song whenever I get the aux, be like “Hey this one’s about me guys. Anyone else here have a song written about them?” Just the ultimate flex.
-I never like wearing sunglasses because most of the time they’re unnecessary. And when they are necessary, that means the sun is right on my face, and if that’s the case, then I want to use that opportunity to get a nice tan. Also let's be honest, I have gorgeous eyes that should never be covered up.
-I think it would be funny and awkward to start wishing people a “Happy Fertilization Day.” You would do it exactly 3 months after someone’s birthday. Which do some reverse math, that would work out to 9 months before their birthday (aka a pregnancy). And just be like “Yeah this is probably about when your parents made you and you first became a fertilized egg so happy fertilization day.” And then maybe be like “Yeah in my family we celebrate that for everyone, you’ve never heard of that?” and try making them think that they’re the weird one. Things like this are just how I keep myself occupied.
Thank you for your time.