-I’m honestly jealous of the freaks out there who have a foot fetish. There’s just so much material for them. There's a million celebrity feet websites. You can just pay a random person online for foot pictures. Hell, just walking down the block and seeing someone in flip flops can make your whole Wednesday. I wish I could get turned on that easily. But for a guy like me, it’s all about a girl’s brain. Her heart. Her soul. Her personality. And her tits.
-With all the advancements we’ve made in technology and science, I feel like there just HAS to be a better way to do laundry. Stuffing everything in the washer for 30 minutes, then the dryer for 40, folding and putting everything away, I feel like a fucking Neanderthal. There should be some machine where I can put a shirt in one end, and then in like 5 minutes it comes out the other side fully washed, dried, and folded. Maybe Elon can work on this instead of taking his little fucking space trips.
-I hate when I find a show on Netflix or Hulu that looks good and I think I’m going to like it, but then I turn it on and the main character has a British accent. I’m not doing that shit.
-If you shake someone’s hand after getting out of the bathroom and you have a wet hand, the person will be like “oh gross” but they shouldn’t be disgusted. They should be happy. The wet hand serves as proof of wash. A dry hand could be dried, but it could also be unwashed. Then you’re just touching straight dick. It’s a coin flip. Give me that wet hand that I know was washed 11 times out of 10.
-Here’s a free tip if you want to impress a girl. Take her to a fast food place. Go to the drive-thru. Give your order. And then say, “This is a to-go by the way.” The cashier will let out a booming laugh, and your date will begin performing oral sex on you immediately.
-There’s been a lot of talk lately about vaccine passports in New York City, but what I really want is a fast pass for people who didn’t leave the city during the pandemic. I stayed here throughout the whole god damn thing when you people abandoned us and the streets were empty, now you all flood back and Tommy has to wait 20 minutes to get a bagel? 10 minutes at Starbucks? Unbearable lines when I make a Target run? I should get a fast pass and quite frankly, a medal.
Thank you for your time.