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We Need More Human Pride

-I think we should have more “human pride.” There’s always so much infighting amongst different nationalities, races, and religions, but at the end of the day we should come together and be proud, like “Hey we beat out all the other species.” There’s like 9 million species, and we’re the ones that reign supreme. Good for us. Let’s direct some of that hate we have for each other and take it all out on some of these loser animals, insects, and plants that we beat out. Maybe a “Human Pride Day” once a year where we just like squash ants and shit. Maybe lightly kick a squirrel or something. Go to zoos and just laugh that we got them before they could get us. I think this could really lead to world peace. 

-One of the worst, most heartbreaking things a person can experience in life is when you order something for dinner delivery and then immediately start craving literally every other type of food on the planet. Also the death of a child would probably be on the list. 

-Sometimes I think about how a big fat cut of ribeye steak and grated cheese come from the same animal and I just think “Wow that’s crazy” ………. That animal is a cow by the way. 

-Whenever someone swears on a dead person, that means nothing to me. The person is already dead. There are no consequences. “I swear on my grandma’s grave I didn’t do it.” Oh what’s gonna happen? Your dead grammy gonna die again? Swear on a living person if you really mean it. 

-I feel bad for people from Connecticut because they have a really tough decision to make at a young age. Are they going to pretend like they’re from New York or pretend like they’re from Boston?

-It sometimes baffles me what people decide to post on their close friends story. Like what made you decide that only your closest circle could see that you’re enjoying a matcha green tea latte? 

-Some people run for political office to make life better for the American people, but I would run for office strictly to make my life better. I’d exclusively propose policies that fix minor inconveniences in my life. Congress would be sorting through the bills on things like war and taxes and then they’d be like “Okay we have a bill here about how if your initials are T S and you were born on Long Island in 1996 you never have to wait in line for a bagel again??? … And also you get a $10 million stimulus check every year?” And then I’d have to play it cool like “Oh wow that's pretty out there, who proposed that one? But I mean I guess it’s not like the worst idea, right? We should pass it, we should probably pass it.” In due time, I would rise up to be a dictator running the entire planet. 

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Thank you for your time.