Barstool College Football Show - LIVE from Soldier Field in Chicago - Saturday 10:30am ETTUNE IN

PIZZERIA FIGHT!!!!!!!!

Don't say it

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DON'T SAY IT.

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DON'T. SAY. IT...

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One punch, everyone knows the rules!

Giphy Images.

Sorry Dave.

I never knew how bad I've always wanted to see a fight at a pizzeria until I saw this brouhaha erupt in front of my eyes and it was just as glorious as I could have ever imagined. My first thought as the combatants brawled behind the counter was what type of weapons would be used. I thought maybe someone would pick up the pizza slicer, which is a dangerous weapon if you have a steady hand needed to make precise cuts during absolute chaos. Perhaps the giant tub of mozz would be weaponized in the heat of battle or the actual heat of those giant ovens would be used to quickly end the battle and the war.

However, the answer was clearly the giant wooden paddle responsible for bringing so many wonderful pizzas to life with my guy swinging that son of a bitch with a purpose like he was a young Bobby Baratheon going berserker mode with his battle axe with Sauce Ladle Guy acting as his Ned Stark AKA the understated peacemaker of the whole ordeal. I remember hearing at my favorite local pizza place (shout out Prato Trattoria in Carmel) that the wooden paddle things are specially made to handle pizzas and a crack could completely fuck it up. But I guess you don't worry about that type of stuff when a bunch of barbarians storm the business side of the pizzeria.

My only nitpick was that comment made by the color commentator. Of course the guy shooting the video was going to get the pizza he paid for. We live in a society. A couple of mamalukes breaking the sacred pact of the pizzeria and somehow fighting the wonderful pizza workers that deliver deliciousness to us on a daily basis would only delay you getting your delicious slice. How do you even go into a pizzeria and get mad enough to start a full blown fight? It goes against every fiber of what I feel when I enter a pizzeria and no amount of foreign substances or minimum credit card charges could change that. The pizzeria is a happy place and should always be treated as such, no matter how great a fight between guys in gray shirts vs. black shirts may be to see since it was extremely easy to follow. No matter how mad you may be, there is one rule that everyone must follow.

I don't think Portnoy has reviewed Joe's in Williamsburg yet, but I feel like the type of team chemistry displayed in that video is good for a 7.2 slice at the very least.