Wonder Why Mets Bench Dave Jauss Is Always Happy? Because He Drinks 12 Goddamn Cups Of Coffee A Day
So this quote popped off last night as every Mets fan still drunk off of last night's win was retweeting some version of it after the most preposterous game of the season. I thought maybe Dave Jauss was such a happy guy because he has a job he loves, has never lost a game as Mets manager, and absolutely killed it as a guest on Pardon My Take.
The real answer though? Anytime the BP GOAT feels even a sprinkling of the sads, he just shoves a bunch of liquid caffeine down his gullet until it turns his frown upside down.
I never understood the "Are you suicidal? Only in the morning" line from Ocean's Eleven until I turned 30 years old, but it is the truest line ever uttered on the big screen and I found the best way for me to quell those feelings is to get the engine running with the biggest iced coffee I could find. The problem is if I drink more than 3 cups of coffee in a day, I'm shaking like a junkie which means drinking 12 cups would cause me to see the world in Matrix code before my already overworked heart decided to give up for good. Meanwhile, a Baseball Guy like Dave Jauss has plowed through his third cup of Joe before breakfast and can hit 3/4 gallons of the hard stuff without even trying. What a legend.
There's no chance there is any cream or sugar in a guy like Dave Jauss' coffee either. A pro's pro like that is only sucking down hot water and the finest Colombian beans you can find. The Commissioner's Office can take away the greenies, the juice, and the sticky stuff. But they'll never take our
FREEDOM CAFFEINE! Jauss' piss must always smell like the inside of a Folger's factory, but that's a small price to pay for being happy 24/7. God I am happy he is my team's bench coach.
P.S. I had to include my new favorite #meme template being used for this story.
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