-I wish there was a way to see what an Uber driver rated me before I rate him, because that’s really all I care about. If a guy drove into oncoming traffic but gave me 5 stars, I’m giving him 5 stars right back. Conversely, if he was the best driver and nicest man of all time but gave me a 3, I’ll give him a one star review and hope his license gets suspended.
-There needs to be a universally set pace when it comes to splitting food with someone. Not wings or something where there’s a fixed amount, but more for like nachos or chips and dip where you can’t really split them exactly evenly. It’s kind of just a feel thing where both parties need to be reaching in at a similar pace. I go, you go, I go, you go, etc. You can’t be eating too fast and forcing the other person to keep up. But you also can’t be too slow of an eater and make the other person feel bad for continuing to reach in just because you’re too slow. So let’s just all agree to stick to an average pace when it comes to our appetizers.
-Sometimes when I’m eating croissants, they get stuck to the roof of my mouth. That bothers me.
-There’s a lot of milestones that can officially mean you’re an adult. You turned 21. You have two day hangovers. You bought a house. You like unsweetened iced tea. But for me, I officially became an adult on Sunday when I bought myself a steamer to de-wrinkle my clothes.
-It’s weird to think how in the Southern Hemisphere, they think of the north as the warm area and the south as cold.
-I live in an apartment building with 30 floors and 2 elevators. The other day we got a casual saying they’re doing renovations to update the elevators. Great. Make them safer. Make them nicer. Sure. But then they just casually dropped that the timetable is 23 weeks to work on one and then ANOTHER 23 weeks for the other. So that’s 46 weeks, a full year almost, where we’ll only have one functioning elevator for THIRTY FLOORS OF PEOPLE. There are already lines with two! This isn’t a minor inconvenience. This is a life changing tragedy. And for people saying “Oh stop complaining, take the stairs you lazy asshole!” What part of thirty fucking floors do you not understand? I’m not in the penthouse, but I’m about halfway up. And what about people on say, the 24th floor? You want them to climb 24 flights of stairs every day? This is an apartment building not an Olympic training facility. We have sent a strongly worded email because I feel like we need a month’s free rent for this or something. If not, this residence company is my new arch enemy. Now that being said, I can be bought. If my building wants to give me free rent for a year or something, I’ll become a propaganda machine on their behalf and promote this lovely complex like I’m working for Kim Jong Un In North Korea.
Thank you for your time.