The World Is In Dire Need Of A Universal Way To Get Rid Of The Hiccups

Andressa Anholete. Getty Images.

Chaps wrote a blog yesterday about how the President of Brazil has been hospitalized after having hiccups for 10 days straight. You can read that blog right here for some context. But ever since, it's all I've been able to think about. 

I mean 10 minutes with the hiccups feels like you're ready for the world to end and just call it a life. I can't even begin to imagine the deranged lunacy that 10 straight days of that shit would put on you. And with this bastard out here hiccuping for 10 days straight, I figured that now is as good of a time as any to make it abundantly clear that humans need to start getting our shit together when it comes to combating hiccups. 

Think about all the remedies and old wives tales you've been told to get rid of hiccups. Personally I've found that sucking down on a few slices of lemons typically does the trick for me, but it's not like you're always going to have lemons on hand when the hiccups come around. Unless you're so terrified of the hiccups that you carry lemons on you everywhere you go, you're going to be screwed at some point. 

Or how about drinking water upside down? The fuck is up with that one, huh? I'm not a gymnast. Sometimes I have a difficult enough time drinking water the right way but it still goes down the wrong pipe. Now you want me to just look like a total jackass trying and failing miserably to drink upside down? Get real. 

Or having someone scare the hiccups out of you. Yeah good luck with that nonsense. The only way you're going to scare me that bad is to show me my bank account right before the mortgage is due. It's such an asinine and childish thought process to get rid of the hiccups. Then you've got the people who say just hold your breath as if that does anything besides make you more winded in the end. 

All these nonsensical remedies that us idiots have been touting around for centuries, and all of them suck. So if it takes the President of Brazil getting hospitalized to finally get all the science dorks and doctors in the world to figure out how to actually and effectively get rid of hiccups, then so be it. Because the time is way overdue.