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Non-Masshole Ballplayers Trying to Pronounce Our Town Names Take You into 4th of July Weekend

If you're not familiar with the Orleans Firebirds, they're a team in the Cape Cod League. If you're not familiar with the Cape Cod League, you might be aware of Summer Catch, the Freddie Prinze, Jr. RomCom less famous for the baseball scenes than for its many gratuitious Jessica Biel swimming pool sequences:

The CCL a summer league made up of a lot of the best college players from around the country. It's heavily scouted because most of them are using wooden bats for the first time. The games are free. The players stay with sponsor families and don't get paid. Unless you consider getting to 3rd base with rich girls summering at their parents' waterfront mansions in Osterville to be payment. And the players most certainly do. 

Anyhoo … kudos to the Firebirds for this. It's the perfect way to introduce these young men from around the nation, these MLB stars of tomorrow, to our culture. Even better than letting them get lost on Boston roads that even GPS can't figure out. (I swear to you a while back mine told me, "From the right lane, take a left onto Elm St.") Even more effective than letting them see "Cape Cod Tunnel Access" stickers on cars and trying to figure out how to get one and where the tunnel actually is. 

Nothing says "Welcome to Massholechusetts" like introducing them to the absolutely incomprehensible pronounciations of our cities and towns. Just to let them know they're welcome to come here and play ball, but never to think they're OF here. Not without spending years of intensive labor, working to familiarize themselves and assimilating to our way of life. It's a hell of a lot harder than passing the U.S. Citizenship test. And that's how we like it. 

Have a great summer trying to figure out the language, fellas. And if you think it's hard to say "Haverhill" or "Scituate," just try asking one of us how to get to either one of them. On second thought, just take a ride from one of the college girls home on summer break. You'll be glad you did.