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Diet and exercise can now suck my barely visible dick!

The doctors/angels at the prestigious and 100% trustworthy University of Otago in New Zealand have come up with a sensible option for people who are having trouble shedding that last 65-80 pounds but refuse to work out or watch what they eat.

To be more specific, I am talking about me.

Now, instead of the traditional (and, quite frankly, outdated) methods of weight loss, the ankle-less community can fly either up or down to New Zealand (wherever the fuck that is, amirite?) and be fitted with the DentalSlim Diet Control device- An intra-oral device fitted to the upper and lower back teeth. 

It uses high-powered magnets with locking bolts that allow the wearer to open his/her mouth only about 2mm wide, restricting them to a liquid diet, BUT allowing them to still speak (kinda), and doesn’t restrict their normally labored breathing.

The researchers at, again, the 100% trustworthy University of Otago in New Zealand are very quick to point out that "the intention of the device is not intended as a quick or long-term weight-loss tool; rather it is aimed to assist people who need to undergo surgery and who cannot have the surgery until they have lost weight."

To which I say...

Giphy Images.

Lemme ask you something… Actually two things:

How many people do you know who are unable to go into surgery because they are too fat?

Now, how many people do you know that need to come up for air between tying their own shoes?

Package this up however you'd like, University of Otago, but I am telling you that 99% of the people that will be waddling to your campus to have this procedure done won't be doing so in order to get some restrictive procedure… They'll be coming in herds for the express desire to once again fit under an umbrella.

God bless you and I'll see you soon.

Take a report.