Tom Brady & Gisele's Relentless Pursuit of World Conquest Continues Unabated

Mark Humphrey. Shutterstock Images.

You might think that at some point, enough would be enough with these two. That maybe somewhere on the path to Tom Brady's ascendency to GOAT status or at some point in Gisele's personal journey toward one-name fashion mogul icon that one or the other would take their foot off the accelerator just a bit. That they'd ease up on the gas for a while. Maybe when he won more Super Bowls than anyone franchise ever has. Or that moment in Rio when the whole Olympics paused for a moment so that she could do the signature walk she invented across the stadium by herself. Hell, it's been 20 years since he won his first Super Bowl MVP and she was named "The Most Beautiful Girl in the World" on the cover of Rolling Stone in 2000. No one could hold it against them if they decided to make the normal human reaction and coast in the two decades since. 

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But not these two. As Springsteen put it, "Poor man wanna be rich. Rich man wanna be king. And the king ain't satisfied til he rules everything." Over the last few days, this king and queen have demonstrated there is zero let up in their mission to rule all of existence. 

First him:

The most carefully guarded, self-consciously controlled public image any celebrity has shown in our lifetimes, finally working blue. Just carpeting the landscape with incendiary F-bombs. Working variations of the word "Fuck" into every sentence like Wade Boggs used to use the words "Wade Boggs." 

And then going on to admit that he's been lying to us this whole time on a level that can only be described as pathological:

"What I say vs. what I think are two totally different things. I would say 90% of what I say is probably not what I'm thinking, which is challenging. I really admire people that actually can do that and say what they think because they invite a lot of other things into their life. I think there's part of me that doesn't like conflict. So in the end, I just always try to play it super flat. From a strategic standpoint I never want to give away what we're doing. I usually say the opposite. If they got a shit corner, I'll be like, 'That guy's unbelievable! I don't even know how to complete balls over there!' And in my mind, I'm thinking, 'I'm going at that motherfucker all day.' Because I don't want to give them anything."

To be clear, there is no way I'm surprised by that 90% figure. He's won 264 career games. And in those wins has had too many dominating performances against too many corners for there to be as many "unbelievable" ones he doesn't "know how to complete balls" against. The human species just doesn't produce as many great defensive backs as Tom Brady's words have. And produces a lot more "shit" ones than he's admitted to. 

What we can be surprised by is the fact he's coming clean now. With so much football left to play, so many more press conferences to deliver, and so many more shit corners ahead to lie about. I mean, now whenever he praises an opponent, this is going to be thrown back at him. The guy could be a DB who owns a tract of land in Brady's head bigger than the estate Ed Reed occupied. And yet if he says good things about the guy, the inevitable response is going to be, "Do you mean it? Or is this just one of those motherfuckers you plan on going at all day?" Which will make his pressers more entertaining than his usual boring, carefully scripted, bulletin-board-fodder-free  happy talk. But more to the point, this is him declaring in a loud, clear voice that he has run out of fucks to give and will live the way he wants to live. 

Gisele's statement was a little subtler. But she delivered the same message in the most concise, articulate means of expression she knows. The one worth a thousand words:

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That's a mother of two. Three weeks removed from her 41st birthday. Reminding everyone that "Fuck" is also a huge part of her vocabulary, without using the actual word. And for her, it's mainly used as a verb. 

At this point I'm tempted to call the two of them a Power Couple. But at this point, it would be an insult to lump them in with any of the other power couples. Like calling the One Ring a piece of jewelry and the Infinity Stones gems. You can't measure them against any of the others. So instead let's just declare them King and Queen of the Earth. And realize they'll rule forever without ever taking a summer off from dominating. Not even a quiet weekend in late June. All hail.