Maui of Moana Fame Died By Turning Himself Into A Worm, Crawling Inside A Goddess' Vagina And Being Crushed By Her Pussy's Teeth
His last trick, which led to his death, involved the Goddess Hine-nui-te-pō. In an attempt to make mankind immortal, he changed into a worm and Māui entered her vagina, intending to leave through her mouth while she slept; but was crushed by the obsidian teeth in her vagina.
Maui’s father told him of his ancestor, Hine Nui Te Po (Great Hine of the Night) the Guardian of Life, would see to his demise. This goddess had flashing green eyes, volcanic glass for teeth, a large fish like mouth and hair that floated in the air like seaweed.
His father admitted to a mistake he had made when chanting the invocation of Maui’s childhood, when he was made sacred and guarded by charms, but his father had forgotten a part of the ceremony, and because of this he would surely die one day. Hine nui te po guarded the “place of life” and Maui persuaded his brothers to go with him to keep watch.
Maui planned to enter into the goddesses stomach, cut out her heart, and exit through her mouth, thus killing the goddess and bringing the heart of immortality to mankind. While Hine Nui Te Po was sleeping he entered her and retrieved the heart, but as he emerged through her mouth one of his brothers laughed aloud, waking the goddess who snapped here obsidian teeth closed, cutting Maui in half. Maui thus entered the gates of death but was unable to return and death has ever since been victorious over rebellious men.
This is the second time I've seen someone, well not seen but heard about, getting eaten by a vagina. The first one was on that show American Gods. The very first episode, someone gets eaten by a coocie crocodile. Sad. I was terrified of sex for hours after watching that.
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Now, Moana makes some mention about going into the goddess but my singing friends on the high seas didnt mention anything about turning into a worm, sneaking into her island chain, scootin past her goddess panties, and going straight up in there in order to set up camp and exit from her mouth with immortality. That seems bad and shouldnt be overlooked. Demigod or not, you need consent before you can turn yourself into the worm version of a vagina trojan horse. That's just simple common courtesy. Cardi B, in the musical hit WAP, said she wants a dick with a hook in it to touch the dangly thing on the back of her throat but I dont think this is what she meant smh.
Also, vagina teeth made from volcanic glass? Yikes. I dont care how hot you are, no one is gonna wanna stick or lick that thang with sharp ass glass in there acting like a python pussy. Absolutely not.
Our guy Maui did some great stuff, according to legend. I mean, check this out.
Māui and the fish
Māui's older brothers always refused to let him come fishing with them. One night, he wove for himself a flax fishing line and enchanted it with a karakia to give it strength; to this he attached the magic fish-hook made from the jawbone that his grandmother Murirangawhenua had given him. Then he stowed away in the hull of his brothers' waka (canoe). The next morning, when the waka was too far from land to return, he emerged from his hiding place. His brothers would not lend him any bait, so he struck himself on the nose and baited the hook with his blood. He pulled up a giant fish which would become the North Island of New Zealand, known as Te Ika-a-Māui; the valleys and mountains of the island were made by his brothers chopping up the fish for themselves. In some traditions his waka became the South Island, known as Te Waka a Māui. (Other traditions make the South Island the waka of Aoraki.)
FUCKING INCREDIBLE! HE USED NOSE BLOOD TO CATCH A FISH SO BIG IT TURNED INTO AN ISLAND
Māui brings fire to the world:
Māui wanted to know where fire came from, so one night he went among the villages of his people and put all the fires out. Māui's mother Taranga, who was their rangatira, said that someone would have to ask Mahuika, the goddess of fire, for more. So Māui (a grandson of Mahuika) offered to go and find her. Mahuika lived in a cave in a burning mountain at the end of the earth. She gave Māui one of her burning fingernails to relight the fires, but Māui extinguished fingernail after fingernail until Mahuika became angry and sent fire to pursue Māui, who survived only by calling upon Tāwhirimātea, the god of weather, to put it out with his rain. Mahuika threw her last nail at Māui, but it missed him and flew into some trees including the māhoe and the kaikōmako. Māui brought back dry sticks of these trees to his village and showed his people how to rub the sticks together and make fire.
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MAUI WAS BASICALLY BEAR GRYLLS
Māui slows the sun
In former days, the sun used to travel quickly across the sky, leaving not enough daylight time for working and eating. Māui proposed to catch the sun and slow it down. Armed with Murirangawhenua's magic jawbone and a large amount of rope, Māui and his brothers journeyed to the east and found the pit where the sun-god Tama-nui-te-rā slept during the night-time. There they tied the ropes into a noose around the pit and built a wall of clay to shelter behind. Tama-nui-te-rā was caught in the noose and Māui struck him with the jawbone until he surrendered and agreed to travel slowly across the sky.
After seeing that idea, I feel bad for making fun of the congressman who recently suggested we should slow down the moon. The sun is a lot harder to slow than the moon and the sun has been done before. Incredible.
Look, all Im saying is that you gotta include that in the movie. You cant just leave out that the most powerful demigod in the universe met his death because we was acting like a nasty little worm and was chewed up by volcanic coochie glass. Thats burying the lede and we cannot stand for it.
PS: Shiney is an all time song.