It’s Fuck You Hot Today: A Unit’s Guide To Beating the NYC Heat

Barstool is a comedy site at it‘s core but heat like we have today is nothing to joke about. 90 degrees with no breeze in sight radiating off that NYC concrete makes it feel like its 120 degrees. That’s horror movie shit. I’d rather be in a real life simulation of the ”Saw” franchise than dealing with this heat. Today isn’t a day for pride. It isn’t a day for heroism. It’s a day of survival. Survive and advance. Live to fight another day. Over the course of my 26 years of existence with every single one of them being fat, I have a level of expertise to beat summer heat of any magnitude. You have to pull out all the stops. Throw the kitchen sink at this heat. Whatever it takes to get the job done. Here’s my guide on how to survive the NYC summer heat wave. 

1) No amount of shirts is too many.

Pack one, two, three, four shirts if you have too. If you’ve gotta change after every time you step outside to avoid looking like a sweaty, sloppy mess then god damnit you do it. 

2) NO GREY SHIRTS

3) No amount of deodorant is too much.

Apply in the morning. Reapply when you get to work. Reapply again when you go get lunch and then reapply some more when you’re gonna go home. I’m personally a heavy duty spray deodorant guy. Not some trash axe shit but that good arrid extra dry spray. Nothing better to fend off the sweat and keep those pits dry. 

4) Baby powder is a a big time life saver in this level of heat.

Nothing worse than those chubby sweaty thighs rubbing together causing listening to Sofia with a F levels of discomfort. Blisters between your thighs is a nightmare I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The pattern continues for baby powder as it did with deodorant. Apply, reapply And then reapply some more. Keep those chunky thighs safe people. Nothing worse than being sweaty AND walking about like you have a telephone pole jammed up your ass to avoid your beat red thighs touching. 

5) Wear dark shorts.

Sweating through your shirt is one thing, sweating through your pants is a whole other animal entirely. Swamp ass is just plain gross. If it’s inevitably gonna happen, at least make sure people can’t see it. 

6) Mini fans that spritz water are absolutely acceptable.

WHATEVER IT TAKES PEOPLE. I mean that seriously. It doesn’t matter how much of a gigantic douche/pussy you look like. You’re just trying to survive. Live to fight another day. If that fan and little tiny spritz of water on your face keeps you above ground for another day than you do it. I don’t even care if you’re a poor and have a separate mini fan in one hand and a spritz bottle in another. Whatever resources you have at your disposal you put them to use to the best of your abilities.

7) Sweat rags are a big time YES.

Not only can they be fashionable if you pull them off the right way (Shoutout Biggie), but they do exactly what you need them to, wiping off that avalanche of sweat pouring down your face/body. Bring a a couple if you need but never get too attached to one sweat rag. If you‘re a sweaty motherfucker this sweat rags can get past the point of no return. If you gotta throw it out and move on to the next than so be it. It‘s a dirty game out here and only the strong survive. Gotta do what you gotta do. 

8) Big hats to shade yourself are also a massive YES.

Like one of those huge straw hats where the brim goes all the way around 360 degrees. Basically like an umbrella for your head. This hat will at a minimum shade your face which in my opinion is a huge key to staying cool. The legs may feed the wolf but a clear mind is everything when it comes to surviving a NYC summer. Shit even if you have to wear one of those corny rainbow color umbrella hats you’re not gonna find me judging you. I’ll keep harping on it, whatever it takes. 

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9) HYDRATE.

Especially us big boys.  Bring a damn funnel to consume water if you need to. You can’t drink too much water. I don’t even care if its scientifically not true, I’d rather die from drinking too much water than the sun. 

10) Just stay inside. 

Don’t even waste your time leaving the house. Stay home and enjoy arguably the greatest invention of the last 500 years: Air conditioning.