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NBA Fans Are All Claiming Dame Lillard Since He Wants Out After Chauncey Billups Was Hired

My hometown hero Dame Lillard almost, kind of, maybe is pushing for a trade out of Portland and I am compleyely and utterly shook. 

I’ll have lots more to say tomorrow about this, but for now, I’m going to rank the Dame in Other Team Uniforms on how they make me feel from gross to puke worthy.

Dame as an Indiana Pacers? I’ll just say this. On the gross out scale this is pretty light, but it’s kind of like getting bit by a wasp. It still stings but I’ll survive. Not a great feeling one of the most irrelevant franchises on earth is trolling Blazer fans now. 

Dame in Dallas? That’s a bad burrito. A night of horrible stomach pains. Like my guy Glenny Balls without a place to poop in the RV (Shout out To Barstool vs America go watch that). Just suppression and cold sweats with no relief in sight. 

The Utah Jazz getting Dame? That’s … not a great feeling at all. A feel good story for him for sure I mean, the only player they would trade him to us for would be someone trash like Rudy Gobert, the guy who got COVID and canceled sports for 4 months. Ugh. No thank you. 

No one gets hyped for mediocre players more than Knicks fans. Remember Linsanity? Now imagine them getting one of the Top 5 best players in the world. GROSS. They will be INSUFFERABLE. I mean, I want to throw up just thinking about the circus that MSG will be with Dame running the team. Literally everyone overnight will become a “lifelong” Knicks fan and EVERY New Yorker will be screaming “DAME TIME” 24/7. As someone who lives here, and walks past Madison Square Garden every day on my way to work? Fuck that. 

Over/Under on the number of “Dame Time” t-shirts KFC would make? 792. HAMMER the over. Merch bonus like you read about. 

All right. I have to admit the thought of Dame as a Clipper makes me not only sick to my stomach, it also makes me sick for Dame. Like seeing an ex hooking up with a toxic bitch you know will ruin his life. That’s the Clippers organization. Just thinking about it makes me queasy.  

Dame in Philly? Yep, that’s full on nausea. The kind you get on an airplane in during a thunderstorm. I can’t even describe how gross that is. Like when a sweaty old man tries to feel you up on an airplane. Queasy. Maybe that’s the karma that Blockhead I murdered at the gambling house was talking about. I 

Ugh. Fucking Lakers, man. Dame in Los Angeles? All Portland fans HATE the Lakers (buy a Faker tee in the Barstool store please and thank you), That’s a throw up in your mouth moment. Like drinking one of those cotton candy vodkas that tastes like sugar on crack, or absinthe lit on fire and you know for sure is going to make you sick. Ugh. Please God, not Lebron and Dame. Please no Dame in purple and gold. PLEASE. 

Fuck this. Fuck my life. And most of all FUCK NEIL OLSHEY.