Men with Hooks for Hands Scare the Shit Out of Me!
Candyman, Candyman, ... I still can't do it. When I was a young warthog growing up in the Bronx, going to the movies was a big deal to me. It was a chance to grab some of your favorite snacks and link up with your school buddies. The movie theatre wasn't far my from my house. All the neighborhood kids went there for one particular reason, to either make out or get a hand job. Well at least that's what I was told. I enjoyed creeping around trying to see who was sucking face, it was kinda my thing. Hell, I was just a kid. Being at the movies always seemed like I was entering a new world. I went from eavesdropping on side conversations, to learning new curse words that I never heard, to gawking at smoking hot women on dates. This was all while watching ushers bust kids who would try to sneak into movies they didn't pay for. It was always a scene and I soaked it all up!
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On this particular Saturday afternoon, my Aunt Pat decided to take my brother and me to the movies and we were pretty excited to go. I thought we were going to see the new action movie Under Siege with Steven Seagal. So we threw on clothes and hit the door as fast we could. As we walked down the stairs to meet my aunt in front of our building, I saw she was standing with two other kids. One happened to be a girl who was two years older than me and I had a huge crush on her. I was confused why she was going to the movies with us. I always liked this girl and even though we never talked to each other, I always felt like she was feeling me. I felt the vibes. Come to find out, my aunt was babysitting my crush and her brother. I kept telling myself to be cool, be cool. We all walked to the theatre excited to go. My brother loved the video games at the theatre, so he spent the whole time talking about the video game NBA Jam. Once we arrived and approached the snack counter, I was trying to order things that made me look mature. You know, like a diet coke over Hi-C and a Snickers over Twizzlers.
Before we walked into the theatre I could see the screen over the door say "Candy Man". Now I had only seen commercials for this movie but never paid any attention to it. My Aunt Pat hurried us into the theater, we did the slow walk down aisle hoping to find a row with five empty seats. All I cared about was not letting my brother sit next to my new girlfriend, so I sped up to cut him off. I slipped in between him and my lady but he didn't give a shit, he had his popcorn and slurpee. While the coming attractions were on I looked at her and smiled, she smiled back and proceeded to nibble on her twizzlers. Fuck! I knew I should have gotten those twizzlers. I love twizzlers! That was my in! The movie started up and I didn't really follow along at first because I was trying to think of something to say to grab her attention. "Play it cool Willie," that's what I kept saying to myself. I can hear my brother two seats down from me sucking down popcorn, I looked over and saw his greasy ass cheeks glistening with butter from the popcorn. He loves movie popcorn still today.
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The movie was underway and I was puzzled, what the hell is this?? Where is Steven Seagal? Why would this white women summons the spirit of an evil black man with a hook for a hand? What's with the bees? As time went by, I realized I might be scared of this dude. This movie is freaking me out! It seemed dark and demonic. Tony Todd, who played "Candyman" in the original Candyman in 1992 look like a friend of my mother's. So it really freaked me out to see him ripping the guts out of people. I went from trying to be Billy Dee Williams to Willie is about to pee his pants! It was filmed in Chicago but the neighborhood scene looked a lot like my projects in the Bronx. I couldn't wait to get out of that theatre. Now prior to the movie starting, all I cared about was how I was going to see this girl again. I wanted to talk on the phone, walk her to the store, hang out in the park and possibly get a kiss. Well listen here!! I was so damn paranoid by the end of that movie, I felt like she knew Candyman and couldn't be trusted! The whole time while we were watching the movie this girl was stone faced. She never jumped or screamed once. Meanwhile, my bother had his sweat shirt over his head and if someone would have yelled Candy Man in the theater, I might have shit myself! I was a wreck!!!
Now today, I'm a grown ass man, and currently built for battle. I am not scared of Candyman. However, the only way I can prove that to myself is to take my wife on a date and watch the new version of Candyman when it comes out August 27th. Jordan Peele will be a producer and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II from Mad Men will play Candyman.
As for my crush, I never got the digits, and she didn't seem too interested in me after watching me shake in my seat for an hour while she sat there in boredom. I guess I'll come back and tell you about the movie. But if you're feeling brave before then, I need you to go in your bathroom, close the door , turn off the lights and say Candyman, Candyman, Can….. well hell you know what to do.