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There's A Bad Rumor Going Around The Internet That Tom Ricketts Killed Cup Snakes Last Night*

*Not sure if the rumor is true. I'm just reporting what I've heard.*

I'm not trying to disrespect or overlook my time with the Omaha Crew at the College World Series. But it's absolutely unbelievable that the first time I skip town during a home series, all hell breaks loose in right field. We've been slowly inching towards a trustworthy relationship with Cup Snakes, and then this fucking bullshit happens 20 minutes after beer sales close. You couldn't paint a more pathetic picture of underaged, overserved, insufferable Cubs' fan pricks than that scene last night. If you can't do right field then how do you expect to survive Clark Street? And if you can't handle Clark Street, why are you at Wrigley in the first place? This has Miami (OHIO) graduates written all over it. Tighten it up girls. 

Elsewhere I suppose this officially concludes the cup snake saga, right? And on the day Tom Ricketts delivers this Cooperstown worthy gem: 


No half measures Tom. That's not how the Allied Forces secured the Western Front and it's certainly not how we need to draft up Cup Snake enforcement policy. Two years ago the Cubs were pointing some serious fingers while trying to actively make me feel uncomfortable with my "standing" or something formally lame like that. Now Uncle Tom is stacking cups and giving thumbs up and getting a taste of the action. How am I supposed to reconcile my emotions here? 

Answer: nobody cares. Not about my feelings, your feelings, Tom's feelings. Nobody's feelings matter. All we want is good clean baseball and the opportunity to enjoy ourselves free & clear of overreaching authority. That's good old fashioned human nature. But now that we're here, let's draw a line in the sand. Anyone caught throwing a snake on the field should have to get drilled in the ribs by Craig Kimbrel. Line em up one after the other. Let me hear those bones snap you heathen fucks. 

If that's extreme then let me apologize for absolutely nothing. I've manually filtered through more D-level cup snake submissions than I care to admit for the better part of 2 years. I'm not complaining, but your innovation most favorably compares to that of the Palm Pilot: the only people oblivious to the obsolescence are the ones still using it. Maybe I'm overreacting but maybe the sun has set. Maybe the last straw was Cubs leadership changing their minds and opening their arms to the same behavior that once generated a vote of no confidence. With or without the right field splash, I think we can all agree that's a bridge too far. 


Put your money where your mouth is and buy a shirt. 

Just don't ruin it. Please.