Don't Mind Me, I Just Won The Dog Walk Ice Cream Draft By Picking Nothing But Undrafted Free Agents

So there is the graphic from this week's Dog Walk, which was an absolute delight as usual. You can watch the episode here:

Listen here if you are a podcast person and vote on your winner here:

However, as the resident junk food connoisseurs here at Barstool, I wanted to weigh in with my considerable gut by creating my own entry to the draft using nothing but the leftovers these bougie Chicago guys in their fancy new office discarded without even giving an honorable mention to. But something tells me ol' Clemmy Beane will be able to find studs in undervalued assets.

So here is my ice cream version of The Little Giants, a bunch of rag tag also rans that are going to beat the guys who actually got picked.

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1. Friendly's Cone Head

That's right, I am starting my roster off with an absolute nostalgia blast from the past. It may not be the best sundae on the Friendly's menu (that goes to the 5 scoop Reese's Peanut Butter Cup sundae in my humble opinion). But getting a cute ass, delicious dessert for being a good kid and eating all your hamburger was an incredible feeling. Read that again. The fact we used to get free ice creams for just eating all of our burgers and fries is a reinforcement of just how magical a time childhood is. 

Anyway, everything about this cone head, or as I call it clown head, sundae hit perfectly. The chocolate dipped cone, the whipped cream hair, and the metallic melody that came from your metal spoon scraping the metal dish.

Now according to my Emmy winning, gameshow host pal Jeff D. Lowe some people may not know about Friendly's due to their region.

As someone who has watched all the Friendly's within a driving radius close, I understand this all too much. But trust me, Friendly's and the conehead sundae are the tits.

2. Ben & Jerry's Tonight Dough

Ben & Jerry's is the cream of the ice cream crop in my humble opinion. Great toppings inside, clever names likely thought of by people who were high as fuck, and actual good ice cream. Some of my go-tos like Half Baked and Phish Food were taken. So I had to pivot to Tonight Dough despite my longstanding hatred for Jimmy Fallon dating back to him laughing at every single thing people say as well as this flat out blasphemous statement that should have been barred from ever watching a baseball game again.

I could've went Americone Dream or Chubby Hubby here, which are excellent choices in their own right. But Tonight Dough is honestly by far the best combo that those two beautiful hippies have ever come up with, including the other powerhouses that were actually drafted.

3. Fudgie The Whale

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 I think Number 3 drafted Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, so I am going with a Carvel ice cream cake since I've always considered them the default ice cream cake. It was honestly a coin flip for me between Fudgie The Whale and Cookie Puss. I feel like the name Cookie Puss plays because it's outright hilarious, but I haven't seen the Pussman around for a while whereas Carvel just launched Fudgie The Whale beers for Father's Day.

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Neeeeeed that for Father's Day.

4. WWF Ice Cream Bar

To be clear, this isn't the current wrestling ice cream bars which do not hold a candle to the original. Those are WWE ice cream bars. I'm talking about WWF ice cream bars above with the laser precision graphics that shouldn't have been possible with 90s technology and absolutely nailed the perfect softness level for a cookie, ice cream, and chocolate backing along with free wrestling card you got in every box. This is one of those "You had to be there" things because explaining it was pretty much impossible because it's the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be for ice creams.

5. Friendly's Wattamelon

Yeah, I saved the best for last. The Friendy's Wattamelon Roll is the closest thing we have to a real life Willy Wonka creation. A frozen treat as delicious as it is creative. The orange creme roll is good too but the watermelon is the true staple of summer for everyone in the Northeast that had parents that gave a damn about them. For anybody saying this isn't ice cream, there was a Rocket Pop and a Push Pop taken, so I'm fine.

Put them all together and you get a Little Giants team that looks more like the 2007 Giants team that went out and beat an 18-0 Patriots team. Not sure if you guys knew about that.

One abstract pick I didn’t make but could have was Ice Cream From A Small Mom And Pop Shop While On Vacation. Usually it’s just regular Turkey Hill or Breyer’s ice cream but it always tastes 10x better.

While I am here, I need to clear up two things from this draft. 

First off, this is a bunch of malarkey.

No wonder the coward who said this is anonymous. Look, I get that Eddie choosing the number 1 pick and then taking the Chipwich number 1 screams REACH. But the amount of slander I've heard/seen about the Chipwich is outrageous. The Chipwich is a Tier 1 ice cream that would've been a late Round 1 or early Round 2 pick for me. My pal Connor breaks it down perfectly here:

To clarify, Choco Taco is Luka in this comparison and Trae Young is…fuck Trae Young. He doesn't get an ice cream.

Burrata is and forever will be a terrible pick. Chipwich was just a slight reach by a guy who is admittedly not an ice cream guy.

Speaking of which, that takes me to my second point. The real issue from this episode was Eddie saying cheesecake is better than ice cream. That's a fireable offense, which is a lot coming from an #EdHead like myself (#EdHeads are the pro-Eddie version of #BurrataGang except we are nicer and would never say anything as rude as R*d Ed about the commissioner of this wonderful podcast). 

So if you want to crucify Eddie for anything, crucify him for the cheesecake take. Like literally nail him to a cross because it was that bad. But leave Chipwich alone (said in this legend's voice).

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I guess you can't vote for my wagon of a team on the poll or even replying to the tweet. So buy one of these incredible shirts from the Barstool store, tweet your receipt to Eddie, and we'll just say every penny spent is a vote for me.