Before I get into the story I want to get it on the record that the person I almost had to call 911 for is totally fine and healthy, just a little medical scare but she’s all good. Now onto the story.
Last night I was having a routine Sunday night as far as my life is concerned. If anything it was better than routine. I was sitting on the couch by myself watching The Cubs close out a winning a bet for me on one TV while the Suns were on their way to covering the spread for me on another (Yeah I have two TVs in my living room I’m definitely not rich or anything it‘s not a big deal). It’s rare for me to be winning both bets but what isn’t rare is for me to be indulging in some marijuana as I watched the games. I was relighting my joint calm as can be when all of a sudden I heard a noise come from my roommates bedroom. His girlfriend was over and I heard some yelling so I thought maybe they were just having a sexually adventurous Sunday night or that they had gotten into a fight. Both would be somewhat common occurrences amongst young couples. Either way I had no intentions of interfering...... until I heard my name. I was high as giraffe pussy off the “Dosi Punch” I had been smoking on when I was called into action. My roommate yelled “Ev! Ev! Ev!” So I jumped out of my seat about as fast as a man with the measurables of a wing eating contest champion possibly can and made my way over to his bedroom as he opened the door.
When he opened the door I saw his girlfriend passed out on his bed pale as a ghost with her eyes rolled in the back of her head. I immediately realized there was no sexual activity going on in his bedroom and if it was it was WAY too kinky for my liking. I immediately panicked in fear as he was lightly smacking her cheeks trying to wake her up. I pulled my handy dandy phone out of my pocket like a cop pulls a pistol out of the holster ready and waiting to rip a 911 call the second he said the word. I had my keypad out on my phone with my pointer finger extended ready to click those big three numbers on a moment’s notice asking him “Should I call?! Should I call?!“ She was starting to move again and finally responded ”no” when asked if we should call 911 so I obliged as she was starting to wake back up and come back to her senses. He was giving her water as I went back in the living room and grabbed my heavy duty fat guy fan to give to them to help cool her down. That fan was the best $90 I’ve ever spent and I knew if anything could help cool down her body temperature it was the fan.
I went back in the living room and sat back down with my heart still pounding ferociously. What a fucking rush. I really was legitimately scared there for a minute that something was terribly wrong. It was like stuffing the ebbs and flows of a back and forth battle in a game you bet heavily on all jammed into a 60 second span and then multiplied by 100. It’s an indescribable adrenaline rush. Those seconds that feel like hours in the moment where you don’t really know what to do or what’s gonna happen could make even Glenny Balls at the Long Beach Inn on a summer Saturday night stone cold sober. It was at that moment that I had realized I had never called 911 before. When I was in the third grade I dialed 94 on a pay phone and hung up and the cops showed up thinking that someone was attempting to call 911 but was ripped away from the phone, so that was the first and last time I ever dialed any 2-3 digit numbers starting with 9 into a phone.
But anyways back to the story of last night. It turns out she just passed out from an anxiety attack/overheating and once she got some water in her and some air she was totally fine. Thank god she’s okay but holy shit it was a rush. I could barely sleep the rest of the night. I laid in my bed eyes wide open still thinking about how I was feeling in that moment. It was an absolute whirlwind of emotions. I hope I’m never in a situation where I have to call 911 or almost call 911 for that matter, but to absolutely toot my own horn I responded pretty damn well for a fat high bastard glued to his couch gambling on sports on a Sunday night. I popped up and responded exactly the way I needed too. If you’re reading this please don’t feel obligated to tweet at me calling me a hero but just know that if you did you wouldn’t be the first person to call me a hero. If you‘re gonna have a sudden health scare where you might but ultimately don’t need 911 called there’s certainly worse guys to be in the vicinity of than me. God bless and stay safe everyone. It’s real in the field.