Getting Attacked By An Alligator Seems Extremely Not Good

TAMPA, Fla. — A Tampa man is recovering after an alligator attacked him during a dive along the Myakka River.

With a bandage wrapped around his head, Jeffrey Heim replayed the tense moments for ABC Action News Monday, the same day he was discharged from Sarasota Memorial Hospital.

“I thought I got hit by a propeller; it hit me so fast,” recalled Heim. “It felt like a boat was going 50 mph.” 

Heim said he encountered the alligator while looking for shark teeth in Venice. It all happened within seconds of entering the water.

The alligator bit Heim on his head and hand, resulting in a skull fracture and 34 staples.

I grew up in Florida and spent my afternoons and summers in creeks, rivers, streams, and even retention ponds. I’m not proud of the last one but when it’s hot, you take a dip. It’s as simple as that.

My cousin Will sent me this story. The dude involved (had his melon chomped on) is his old lacrosse teammate. Will has lived in central Florida his entire life and I have spent a majority of my time there as well, but I don’t know a single person who has been attacked by an alligator. Will didn’t either until now.

We looked it up on ZBT when we were talking about this story, and a since the 1970s, only 20 people have been killed by alligators. I’d bet more folks have been killed by jolly ranchers than gators. That being said, I’d still take the risk of sucking on a lemon jolly rancher instead of having an alligator munch on my brain. I mean, look at that dude’s head. It looks like a split seam fastball that breaks on the outside corner and causes your knees to buckle.

I’ve never been attacked by anything that wasn’t affiliated with Al Queda so I’m not sure how I would respond here. Clearly River goofin is this guy’s bag. Do you continue to swim in rivers in Florida or do you get a new hobby? I feel like you gotta get a new hobby. It just sucks because that hobby can’t be in water because those fucking gators are everywhere.

This is the River I used to swim in. Dinosaurs everywhere. Keep your head on a swivel.