Scientific Study Says You'll Have More Friends If You Win The Lotto
(SOURCE)
A new scientific study examines the causal effect of positive income impacts on friendships. The study took placer in Vietnam.
The scientific work measured the impact of income from lottery prizes of respondents, controlling spending on the lottery.
This scientific study showed that having money increases the number of friends. The scientific work was developed by a researcher from the International School, Vietnam National University, Hanoi, Viet Nam.
In his report, they concluded that there is a positive impact that lottery winnings match on the number of friends.
In fact, it was scientifically proven that people tend to increase the number of their friends who are not colleagues and of many years, rather than the number of friends between colleagues or new friends.
QUEUE THE DUCKBOATS!!! SCIENCE DID IT AGAIN!!!!
Wait... what's that??? SIKKKKEEE!!!!!
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Let me make this loud and clear: this is a completely BOGUS study. Guarantee they only studied the brains of a bunch of weirdos who never had friends in the first place and needed money to land some. You know how I know? Because friends are the absolute WORST. Wtf good are they for? The only reason to keep them around is because you don't have the money to keep to yourself and do rich people stuff, which is true for 99.99% of the American population. KFC gets a bunch of shit for being "team indoors" but he speaks truths
If I won the lottery, I can't begin to describe how fast I'd kick my friends to the curb. Chief, you're fucking out. Eddie, get the fuck outta my face. The rest of you idiots from HS and college I gotta deal with in group chats? Peace the fuck out. You can catch me sitting on the couch with my dog watching Netflix and eating fried food for the rest of my life. Don't need yous anymore and if you're remotely normal, you'd be the exact same way. The ONLY issue here is that if I did fall backwards into winning enough money to last 100 lifetimes is that I'd more than likely be dead or in rehab within a week, but by then I'd have pissed through the money anyways so none of you mooches can touch it.
Here's a list of a the first 3 things I'd buy with my money that nobody else would get to have fun with or experience:
1. Samurai swords:
I'll need to fend off attackers looking to access me and my money. Trying to get on my instagram model filled yacht? Here's a samurai sword to your face.
2. Red Ed
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Since I'll be so rich that I'll no longer have to live under Ed's tyrannical rule, I plan on buying him. There will be rules - leave me alone and do as I say. That's it. Since it'll be impossible to COMPLETELY cut myself off from the rest of the world, he'll be my liaison to it. It'll be like how Paulie had other people work his deals for him in Goodfellas. Nobody went directly to him, they all went through his underbosses. He was too important. That'll be me. I'll even take it one step further - I'll make Ed my fool just like Joffrey Baratheon did to that one drunk guy he was about to have killed before Littlefinger shot him with the arrow. Ed will just dance around and be the butt of every joke I feel like making whenever I get bored from being super rich.
3. Anything I want
The only two things I'll need right away are the swords and Ed, the rest will come as I see fit. I'll literally just piss through the money as fast as possible buying anything I want for myself and only myself before I succumb to the hard core addictions I'll develop and weight I'll inevitably gain. No charities, no investments, no nothing. Just pop it in my checking account and bombs away. This is the ONLY way to handle winning Fuck You money. If you're in disagreement with me, then you're an idiot. Just get out of the rat race and look down on everyone around you for being a poor.