There's No Frigging Way the Patriots Do a Big Tribute to Tom Brady in Week 4

The last thing on God's green Earth is wish a summer away. Especially this summer, with everything getting back to something remotely resembling normal. But I'd be lying if I said I can't stop fixating on October 3rd. I can't shake the feeling that my whole life is going to be lived counting down the days to Tom Brady's return to Gillette. And I can't decide if it's like anticipating your wedding day, the birth of a child, or the date of my scheduled execution. But it's some combination of all them. 

And I say this as someone who has zero intention of going. Not just because the secondary market is asking $1,500 for the Bob Uecker seats. I wouldn't go if I got freebies to a corporate box. I can't go. I couldn't bring myself to. The night is going to be an emotional Chernobyl for me as it is. My bewitching Irish Rose is already talking about staying with friends or getting a hotel room to avoid the drama. And she's not entirely joking. 

And my emotional reactor got turned up to core meltdown levels this weekend with the report that Mr. Kraft "Promises [a] Welcome Wagon":

Which I took to mean his team is going to lean into the whole "triumphant return" narrative. That they'll show a tribute video the way the Bruins did for Zdeno Chara and the Celtics did for Isaiah Thomas. Maybe copyright a slogan like "The GOAT Returns" and slap it all over merchandise. Possibly even retire his number right then and there, the way you know the Red Sox would under the same circumstances. 

But then again, I'm just basing that on the wording of the Tweet. In reality, the one I get to call RKK said no such thing. He got accosted by a member of TMZ's stealth army of freelance gossip ninjas and simply said, "Excited to have him. He's a great guy and he did so much for us. I love him." He said nothing about a wagon, welcome or otherwise. And then immediately changed the subject to his being focused on Week 1 against the Dolphins. Which I imagine is going to become the mantra from the entire organization for the rest of the summer. From the owner's box to the practice squadders to the equipment guys. 

Which begs the question, will the Patriots do anything to acknowledge the 500-pound GOAT in the room? A video tribute? A polite acknowledgement? A "Let's give a warm Foxboro welcome ..."? A Roman triumph, where Brady rolls into the stadium in a chariot with all the quarterbacks he's vanquished in his 264 career wins marching before him while 70,000 people bend the knee? 

I'm sitting here right now in mid-May and telling you no. There will be nothing. Or as close to nothing as they can possibly manage. And I say that because of the continued existence of one man. 

Kathryn Riley. Getty Images.

Bill Belichick probably doesn't spend 10 seconds out of his year thinking about game presentation at Gillette. If he did, the music would consist of nothing but Bon Jovi and the video highlights would all be grainy, black and white footage of Fritz Pollard's 1921 Akron Pros.

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But he is going to be thinking about it for this game. Just to explicitly tell the stadium staff there will be no such celebrations of an opposing quarterback on his watch. He is going to be All Business Bill. Any tributes to Brady are going to be limited to his first press conference of the week. He'll say politely appropriate things to the extent he must. Then he'll spend the rest of the week referring back to his earlier comments before moving on to how tough the whole Buccaneers lineup is and heaping praise on everyone on Tampa's roster. 

Mark my words, he's not going to allow anything to be a distraction. Even if Brady breaks Drew Brees' passing yards record, which he probably will, it'll take the NFL stopping the game (the way they did when Brees broke it), because the Patriots won't. He's not about to give an opposing quarterback, even the one who hung six banners above the field, any extra chances to get the crowd on his side more than they'll already be. 

If you'll allow me two ancient Rome references in one blog that is not about ancient Rome, Belichick will not give Brady his Maximus moment:

That will have to wait until he's being inducted into the Patriots Hall of Fame. Then and only then will the emotional catharsis be allowed. I've said before that Belichick's most remarkable talent is his ability to eliminate distractions. And October 3rd will test that superpower to the limit. But he will get his way. Even if his team loses, it won't be because they worried about the wrong thing. I'll be doing enough of that for both of us.