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Big Poultry Blames Underperforming Roosters for Our Nation's Looming Chicken Shortage

John Greim. Getty Images.

NY Post - Underperforming roosters that aren’t producing as many chicks as expected are partly to blame for the US poultry shortage, according to executives at Tyson Foods.

The Springdale, Arkansas-based company, one of the world’s largest producers of poultry and other meats, said earlier this week that it’s struggling to ramp up chicken supply because the new roosters it’s been using for fertilizing eggs and breeding new chicks simply aren’t hitting expectations.

“We’re changing out one [type of] male that, quite frankly, we made a bad decision on,” Donnie King, president of Tyson’s poultry business, said Monday on a conference call with analysts. …

He added that the company is working to replace the rooster by the fall, but there could be a lingering supply hit that carries over into next year. 

The hatching crisis hit Tyson in January, after it introduced the type of rooster that’s now getting the boot, King said. The breeding problem could be responsible for as much as half of Tyson’s problems meeting demand for its chicken, King said.

To steal a line from the buddy who sent me this … COCK BLOCKED!

I'm sorry to kick a company when they're down, especially when they've admitted to the mistake, but what the actual infertile, non-reproductive, blank-shooting, decaffeinated, zero calorie fuck, Tyson Chicken? You had ONE job. Find the breed of rooster that's going to keep us in abundant, affordable, renewable and delicious chicken and let them run wild in the pens. We needed the Antonio Cromartie of birds. Someone with sperm so potent that no force in nature, not even a vasectomy, could stop his mighty swimmers from completing their mission to seek and destroy even the most impenetrable egg wall and fertilize it.

Instead you gave us, what? Some breed of lazy, low-T incels who'd rather sit around all day eating corn off the ground and not spread their seed? Didn't you try them out first? Hell, even "The Bachelor" has auditions, and I wouldn't trust 90% of those raging narcissists to put down their hair product long enough to impregnate even the most fertile, breeding-aged female. 

Say, Donnie King, riddle me this: How did a major agriculture firm like yours not realize something was wrong right from the beginning? Did your experts notice that the roosters you mixed in with the hens just wanted to talk? Or maybe that they just sort of hung around in groups with each other waiting for someone else to break the ice? I'm no animal breeder, but I know enough about nature to know you don't send in a shy, introverted intellectual to do a shameless, attention-seeking Alpha's job. 

You needed Rocky from "Chicken Run":

Giphy Images.

And you sent in Chicken Little:

Giphy Images.

And as a result, in addition to a gas shortage that's going to lead to our supply lines for just about everything being stretched to the breaking point, we're facing a crisis in our crucial national inventory of wings, tenders, breasts, thighs, drumsticks and nuggets. Just as summer is coming, no less. 

Well you owe us better. Find some wildman, out of control, horny roosters who are DTF and get them on the job. Not tomorrow. Not after breakfast. NOW. Before millions of your hens lose interest or go through menopause. The cookouts you save may be mine.