Baseball's Biggest Secret FINALLY Revealed! It Turns Out Donnie Stevenson Was Actually Just Pete Alonso Wearing A Hat And Sunglasses To A Hitters Meeting
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The Athletic- Donnie Stevenson was Pete Alonso. Multiple sources confirm it was the Mets’ first baseman who fired up his fellow hitters on May 1 before they faced their former teammate, Phillies right-hander Zack Wheeler. The Mets won 5-4 on a go-ahead homer by Michael Conforto in the top of the ninth inning – the first victory of a 7-2 run that has vaulted them to the top of the NL East.
Alonso, in assuming his alter ego, wore a hat and sunglasses to the hitters’ meeting, then delivered the most basic of messages, according to some in attendance: Let’s stop over-thinking things. Let’s just go out there, stick to our strengths and let it rip. The meeting, according to one attendee, lasted about four minutes. The players did not even talk about Wheeler, laughing, clapping and hooting instead.
Well I guess we can move on to if Michael Jordan really became a Minor Leaguer after being suspended from the NBA and whether or not Wade Boggs actually drank 64 beers on a cross country flight because the biggest mystery in baseball has been solved!
*thinks about it for a second*
Oh wait, everyone with a functioning brain knew that Pete was Donnie Stevenson! It doesn't matter though because simply hearing confirmation of this story makes me love Polar Bear Pete even more than I did. I was begging for someone to do something in the locker room as the Mets bats turned into icicles every time there was a runner in scoring position. I didn't know if we needed someone to yell, throw out a player's lunch, or throw a punch debate wildlife in a tunnel. But SOMETHING had to be done with the bats after that awful April start and unsurprisingly it was Pete Alonso that took the leadership role like he has ever since his rookie year by creating Donnie Stevenson to relax the fellas. It's not quite hitting a bomb in the Bottom of the 9th to win the game or telling Rob Manfred to shove it by buying everybody cleats supporting the first responders of 9/11. But it's yet another example of why Pete Alonso is awesome.
I personally would've loved it if Pete was actually wearing a mullet wig, ripping butts, and truly embracing the scumbag life that Diesel Donnie Stevenson lives in my brain. But simply telling the boys to let it rip in a four minute meeting then hooting and hollering leading to a 7-2 record since the arrival of Diesel Donnie should tell you all you need to know about how much sense baseball makes. The analytics nerds can stack their teams full of players with the best fWAR and xFIP and whatever type of advanced statistics full of upper and lowercase letters. But sometimes the 25 guys in the locker room just need a fictional character or three to talk about to get through the goddamn marathon that is the Major League Baseball season.
I mean look at the last two Mets shirts we released on the Barstool Store:
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If you showed me those shirts 10 days ago, I wouldn't have guessed in a million years what the fuck the backstory was to them. Yet here we are, in the midst of a 5-game winning streak spurred on by a fictional approach coach and a ratcoon creature that not even that sick son of a bitch Stephen King would dream up. I don't know how the hell the Mets are involved into the weirdest stories in baseball, but I realized I am actually addicted to this nonsensical shit because at the end of the day our happiness is being decided as to how many times a bunch of strangers can hit a ball made of cowhide with a wooden stick. If you are prepared to embrace that type of ridiculousness, what's a fake scumbag approach coach?