Happy Fuck It Friday!!!
Let’s start this Friday off by taking a deep breath. In through the nose and out through the mouth. Hallelujah!! We made it through another week. No matter where you are or where you're from, we can all acknowledge, life can be a mother fucker!! It’s five o'clock somewhere, so you know what to do. It’s time to pour it up!
1. Get yourself a glass of wine or whatever you drink to send your troubles on their way. Today I’ll be drinking my new favorite bourbon “Smoke Wagon Bourbon”. This beauty is straight out of the Silver State Nevada. I wish I could sit here and tell you where exactly I found out about this delectable delight, but I can’t. Just know I would never steer you wrong. If it tastes like shit, I would tell you. They ain’t paying me to pump their hooch.
Since we live in the age of social media, I often find myself on the toilet scrolling up and down my timeline looking at random shit. My legs are dead as a doornail and I’m usually out of toilet paper. So I am forced to scream to the high heavens to get my wife to grab some doodoo paper for me. She hates it! I find it funny, I want her to bask in my funk. I'm sick, I get it. Now, I've been pouting quietly about how I want to travel more. I wish I could see more of the country, I wouldn't mind a road trip out west. Since the country is starting to open up, here are a couple of events that I would like to go to and go bonkers.
-Gilroy Garlic Festival in Gilroy, California. I love garlic, I know it can be pretty pungent, but garlic makes me want to swing my balls in a circular motion. This funk festival goes down in late July
-Taste of Chicago I’m not ashamed to admit it, Chicago is my second favorite city. I love everything about it. People always tell me you can’t appreciate Chicago until you've experienced the taste of Chicago. This goes down in early July
-Happy Harry’s Rib Festival in Fargo, North Dakota. I just want to say I’ve been to North Dakota. This festival jumps off in early June.
-Sipping Champagne in the Aspen Mountains in Aspen, Colorado. I mean why not, pinky’s up Hoe. This festival is usually held in late June.
Now, this is all wishful thinking. My daughter will be here in July and my wife is ready to pop like a pimple on a prom queen's chin. But, if you have a chance to hit up one of these festivals, hit me up on Twitter using the hashtag #WhereYouAtWillie
Sip and let go, hopefully, you are starting to feel the good vibes.
2. Mother’s Day is a pain in the ass. This is the one holiday that really chaps my ass. Hear me out. I don't want any smoke with the Cancel Culture Crusaders. I don’t need my social security number chewed up and my existence erased from the earth. My wife is fucking a 5 star general in my house. I love her, she’s my everything. This Mother’s Day will be hard on the family considering this will be the first one without my mom. So I want to make this year special. However, my wife can be a pain in the dick. Let’s say if I get her something she wants and we talked about it. My wife is all about details (color, fabric, length, design). Her immediate reaction is why did you get me that? It’s too expensive or she hits me with this passive tone in her voice, “I love it but did they have the white one?”. Spoiled mother fucker. She’s simple but complicated, picky but thankful. It’s honestly a mind fuck for me this time of year. Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos are both divorced and they have all the money in the world and both of those rich dorks can’t satisfy their women. The old dick and waffles routine in the morning ain’t cutting it anymore. So once again I'm stuck scratching my ass trying to please the general. We are two days away from Mother's Day and I got nothing.
If you’re experiencing the same amount of anxiety I am, pour yourself another one.
3. This one goes out to all my fellow New Yorkers. Let’s take the time to be thankful, our beloved New York Knicks have six regular-season games left. They have a legit chance of locking up the 4th seed in the playoffs. This is a team that was truly hard on the eyes last year. Hopefully, with a win over the Phoenix Suns tonight and a couple more wins, we clinch a much-needed playoff berth. The last time we had a place at the table was in 2013. The New York Yankees are currently 4th in the AL East, and it’s been an up and down roller coaster. But, seeing the Yankee fans spit hot venom at the Huston Astros felt amazing. I am happy Giancarlo Stanton has found his bat for now. He hit another bomb yesterday against the trash can dummies. James Dolan has to be the worst owner in modern-day history. He is the reason the Rangers were fined 250,000 for his ass hole statement calling out the Head of Player Safety in the NHL “Unfit”. Don't get me wrong, Tom Wilson, the capital’s wingman, is a bit of a dirtbag. But, I can’t talk, I was too when I played. So I won't throw rocks. We all know Dolan hid behind the statement that was made by the Rangers. It came from Dolan, bottom line. To add fuel to the fire, Dolan fired his GM and team president on Wednesday because he felt a sense of weakness. I want to believe in James Dolan but he makes promises he can’t keep. We buy into his winning plan and we get shit. Mind you, this is the same asshole who had Knicks legend Charles Oakley fishtailed out of the garden in handcuffs. The same guy who told the great marvelous Marv Albert to shut up or go cover the Mets. He's fucking exhausting. The "Fire Dolan Campaign" has to happen now.
Let’s drink to that.
Lastly, to all the mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day. Thank you for being the backbone, the queen, the organizer, the manager, the therapist, the best friend, the coach, the lover,the rock in every man’s world. We wouldn't exist without you!