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Bryce Harper Is As Hockey Tough As They Come, But Baseball Is In Desperate Need Of Enforcers

Scott Kane. Getty Images.

Generally speaking I think we can all agree that baseball players are the softest amongst professional athletes. These are guys who find themselves on the DL because they sneezed too hard one day and now their back is tight. So when Bryce Harper took a 97mph fastball straight to the Girl Catcher last night (we're calling his face the girl catcher), I don't think anybody would blame him if he just decided to stay there for the next several hours. 

If sneezing too hard gets you a few days off in the MLB, then getting smoked in the face by a pitch should at least get you 6 months. But Bryce Harper isn't your typical baseball player. Bryce Harper was actually born to be a hockey player, it just so happens that he's really fucking good as smashing baseballs into orbit. So he walks it off like the hockey guy he is and I bet he's even a little disappointed he didn't lose any chiclets here. 

Face is still awesome. Everything is intact. Maybe a little swelling and bruising, but I bet Bryce Harper wishes he was rocking a sick hockey smile right now. Get that Bobby Clarke smile going for when the Phillies eventually win the whole thing. 

But the moral of the story here is that baseball NEEDS enforcers. If you're going to have maniacs like Genesis Cabrera out there with a loaded cannon sending kill shot after kill shot, then you should be able to have someone go out there and kick his ass. You hit Bryce Harper's face with a pitch, the Phillies should be able to send out some jacked up meathead to drill Cabrera's face with his fist. 

Personally I think the best way to do this would be to make the universal DH your designated enforcer. So let's just take a guy like Matt Stairs in his prime for an example. The Phillies can use Matt Stairs as a DH all they want, but when the time comes that he has to beat somebody's ass for throwing a fastball at the most important player's skull? He does his business and then he's just done for the night. So the Phillies don't have a DH for the rest of the night but they don't have to worry about anybody getting suspended. So the DH is either crushing dingers or crushing skulls. Either way, everybody is happy and then the umps don't have to look like a bunch of assholes for giving a warning to both teams even though the Phillies did quite literally nothing to earn said warning. Tell me that's not a good idea.