The following is the description of a movie hitting theaters in the Summer of 2022. It’s inspired by the true events of one wild weekend from May 2021.
In April of 2021, the super couple of Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez officially called it quits. After seemingly being on the rocks for months, the two decided they were better off as friends and called off their engagement. This led to A-Rod entering sad boy season and posting some very depressing Instagram stories while listening to Coldplay.
Alex was down real bad and needed a friend. There was only one place for him to turn. One guy that could lift Alex’s spirits better than anyone else. One shoulder to cry on. One guy to get him back on his feet and remind him that he’s Alex Fucking Rodriguez.
Big Cat has gone from tweeting at A-Rod to being his podcast co-host to being one of his best friends on this planet. Of course The Cat wanted to be there for Al. But unfortunately, Big Cat isn’t at a stage of his life where he can just jet off for a boys trip at the drop of a hat. He’s got one kid with another on the way. Between that and work, he knew he couldn’t make the trip. But what if he could send a proxy? A young, single, charming man who you could argue is one of the 50,000 most eligible bachelors in New York City. A die-hard Yankee fan who has worshipped A-Rod his entire life. Someone who never turned their back on Alex and even wore a FORG1V3 shirt for his first game back after the year-long suspension.
The only logical choice. When Big Cat told me about the potential trip he had to turn down, I begged him to please ask Alex if I could go in his place. At first, Big Cat was hesitant and thought I was kidding. But I said, “Please Mr. Katz. Please just ask him and see what he says!” Big Cat reluctantly agreed. Despite what Big Cat says and how he acts, he’s got a soft spot for Tommy and he figured “Fine, I’ll throw the kid a bone. No way Alex says yes anyway.”
Big Cat called Alex and brought up the idea. Alex was a little hesitant at first, but he didn’t immediately say no, to Big Cat’s surprise. The Cat really put in a good word for me. “Yeah he’s definitely a little strange and awkward. Some strange quirks. Can’t tie his own shoes. Lives his life like it’s a game of Survivor. But at the end of the day, he’s not so bad and you might have a good time.”
He also sent over some of my videos so Alex could get a feel for me. He fucking loved Tommy’s Thursday Thoughts: Volume 104. Realizing he really needed his spirits lifted, and that having a superfan hype him up all weekend could really help with that, Alex said yes! The trip of a lifetime (for me) was on. What happens when a multimillionaire celebrity former baseball player copes with a breakup by going on vacation with an awkward, 25-year-old superfan? (Honestly a great idea for a movie when typed out that way).
Big Cat gave me a strict set of rules and asked me to please not embarrass him. I told him I’d be on my best behavior and show A-Rod the best weekend of his life. He’d be thinking “J-Who?” by the time the trip was over.
The plan was set. A-Rod was already in New York for a business meeting on Friday, so I’d meet him at Teterboro airport on Friday around 4 PM for a private flight down to Miami. We would have a wild weekend in the 305 partying and hitting clubs, all while staying at his Miami mansion he bought with Jennifer Lopez. It was going to be epic.
We met at the airport and A-Rod got his first look at me. He walks through the door and sees me from afar. I’m wearing my pinstriped #13 jersey and struggling to figure out how the fancy coffee machine works. I’m hitting a lot of different buttons. Then the liquid comes out super powerful and fast, overflowing my cup and spilling everywhere. I’m yelling if there’s anyone to help me. Alex watches all this unfold and mutters “Oh no” underneath his breath, wondering if he’s made a big mistake. I see that he’s arrived, yell “Oh hey Alex!” and walk towards him with my rolling suitcase. We have our awkward first introduction, and I thank him for making this trip possible.
We board the private plan. It’s small but luxurious. Just the two of us and two pilots. They introduce themselves to me, and I warn them that I’m a bit of a nervous flyer. I try to make small talk by saying how it’s crazy that small planes crash way more often than you’d think, leading to about 500 deaths per year. Really astonishing numbers. I ask them if they’ve loaded the proper amount of fuel, checked the landing gear, have no technical glitches in the cockpit, etc. Alex and the pilots give me strange looks and say it’s time for takeoff. I say a prayer and ask Alex if he wants to grab hands while we take off (usually do that with my mom). He declines.
The flight mostly goes smoothly but we run into some turbulence. I freak out while everyone else remains calm. I tell Alex that I want him to know I love him in case this plane goes down. He doesn’t respond.
A little bit later in the flight, Alex and I share our first bonding moment. After I make a comment about the rather disappointing snack selection, I see a can of tomato juice. “Who drinks this stuff? It’s disgusting. Airplanes and diners are the only place you ever see people drink tomato juice. If you can put pepper in a drink, it’s not a drink!” Alex’s eyes light up in agreement. “I’ve said the same thing forever! It’s horrible!” A friendship is forming.
We land at the private Miami airport, eager for our weekend to begin. Alex’s assistant Eduardo arrives to pick us up. We’re running late for our dinner reservation at Komodo, so the plan is for Eduardo to drive us to the restaurant and then he’d drop our bags off at Alex’s place. A-Rod was already looking dapper for the night, and I was going to wear my A-Rod jersey anyway.
We’re given a special VIP table at Komodo and get unbelievable treatment when we arrive. I jokingly say, “This is what happens when you roll with The Smoke Dog.” Alex doesn’t laugh. Always the health nut, he orders some vodka sodas. I get some sugary pink drinks that I find absolutely delicious. Alex says he actually respects that I just drink what I want without worrying about what society will think of me. It’s the very validation I’ve been searching for my entire life.
As the drinks start flowing, a bond is really forming. There will be a montage displaying scenes from the night with "Nice For What" by Drake playing in the background (I just really like that song and I think it fits the vibe). Hit play for visualization of scene.
It will show us toasting, snippets of conversations, taking pictures with fans, and more. He’s impressed when someone actually asks me for a picture. I tell him about how people say I look like Derek Jeter. Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but he really finds it funny even though he makes it very clear that he does not see even a slight resemblance. Then we get a little deeper. I ask him about his relationship with Derek, and he admits it’s fractured. It’s a pretty emotional talk. I tell him that I always liked him more than Jeter anyway. While Jeter was the perfect angel flying through the sky, Alex was more human. He fell down a lot, but he picked himself back up time after time. There was a realness to him that people could relate to, whereas that wasn’t the case with Derek. A-Rod becomes noticeably choked up when I say this. It’s a real turning point in our relationship.
As people approach our table throughout the night, some will say things like “It’s so great you’re doing this for him, Alex” and things of that nature. We are confused and eventually ask someone what they mean. Turns out people think I’m a Make-A-Wish Kid.
After Komodo, it’s time for the strip club. We, of course, get some more VIP treatment. This is also done in a montage type scene. Girls are all over Alex. Bottles are popping. 100 dollar bills are being thrown in the air. It then cuts to a shot of me sitting on a couch explaining my NFT selfie collection idea to a stripper who looks clearly disinterested. More shots of fun and partying. Then a shot back to me. As a stripper is dancing on me, I try to make some conversation.
“To me, diners: jack of all trades, master of none. Good breakfasts? Sure. But for dinner? No thanks. And look Chastity, I know what you’re gonna say. Oh, they make a lot of different foods. BUT they don’t excel in any one area. I’d rather decide what I’m in the mood for beforehand and then go to a restaurant that is known for that type of food.”
She gets up and leaves.
The strip club is closing down. Alex and I drunkenly stumble out. We can’t decide what to do next. Remembering our heavy conversation from earlier, I throw out a wild idea.
Tommy: “Doesn’t Derek live in the Miami area?”
A-Rod: “Yeah he should be at his mansion here during the Marlins season.”
Tommy: “What if we egg it?”
A-Rod: “Very funny.”
Tommy: “I’m serious. Think of how good it will feel to get back at him after everything.”
A-Rod: “You’re being ridiculous. I’m sure he has cameras everywhere.”
Tommy: “People will just think it’s Derek if they see me on the security footage. You can’t tell the difference.”
Annoyed look from Alex
Tommy: “Come on. This is the best weekend of our lives! Let’s live with no regrets.”
A-Rod: “You know what? I’m in.”
After his reluctant agreement, we hop in an Uber to The Jeter Estates. We get there and Alex is nervous and wants to back out. I slap him across the face. “Get it together man! You’re Alex Fucking Rodriguez! You do whatever you want!” It’s a bold move. But it works. The superstar responds, “Let’s fucking do this!”
Alex lifts me on his shoulders and tries to catapult me over the large gates protecting Jeter’s property. We’re really struggling. Eventually, he’s able to get me over the gate, but he’s struggling to get himself over. Then an alarm sounds and I see some attack dogs chasing after me. I panic and throw the eggs towards the house but miss very badly. I try to jump back over the gate before the dogs can get to me. A-Rod is able to pull me over just in time, but the dogs do bite my jeans off. Luckily, I always wear fairly baggy ones that many deem “unfashionable.” I take a hard fall and then Alex and I run away, me just in my boxers. If we can get Derek Jeter to agree to a cameo in this film, there will be a shot of him opening his door and yelling, “Get out of here! Who eggs a house these days? Damn kids.” He has no idea Alex Rodriguez is behind it. (We will allow Derek to have some improvisation with this line if he wants to take it in a different direction).
After this adventure, Alex and I head back to his house to call it a night. But wait — conflict arises! When we arrive, Alex’s keys aren’t working. Eduardo was leaving our luggage outside the door regardless, so he wasn’t impacted and didn’t realize. (There was cover just in case of rain). Alex is going through all his keys and none are working. He lifts up a fake rock where their spare keys are hidden. A note pops out that just says “Ha-Ha” and it’s signed by J-Lo. She was out of town but since it’s their shared house, she had the locks changed while Alex was gone in New York. A little revenge action. We’re trying to get in but just can’t do it. A-Rod is freaking out. “I can’t get into my own fucking house?!?! What is happening???” He considers breaking a window to get in but remembers all his alarm systems. And he doesn’t want to have to break a window to get into his own damn house. He’s pretty downtrodden about the situation.
I put my hand on his shoulder and say, “Listen Big Al, keep your head up. This is just a minor setback. We’re in Miami for God’s sake. You own this fucking city! Let’s go get a suite at a hotel for the weekend. We can deal with this after the weekend. Well you can deal with it. Seems like more of a you problem. But regardless, don’t worry about this right now. Don’t let this ruin a great night.” He leans in for a hug and agrees. His spirits are somewhat lifted. I’m a great friend.
We get to the E11EVEN hotel and try to book a room. Unfortunately, there’s only one left. It has one queen bed and nothing else. It’s 3 AM at this point, so our options are pretty limited. We take it. We get to the room and I propose a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors to get the bed. He shoots me a disgusted look. I agree he can probably have it, and I sleep on the couch. I ask if he wants to tell any scary stories before bed. “Shut the fuck up and go to sleep,” he responds. Classic Tommy and Al banter. “Nighty night. Don’t let the bugs bite!” I then explain that hotels do actually have pretty bad bed bug problems and I probably shouldn’t joke about that. He is asleep.
We wake up fully rested on Saturday ready for an epic day. First up is a day party at Dave’s mansion where he’s staying. Dave Gruttman, Josh Richards, other TikTokers, smokeshows, celebrities, and Gaz are all going to be there. After that, there’s a VIP party at the club LIV. It’s almost exclusively for celebrities and will be nearly impossible to get in for the common folk. There’s going to be live performances from Pitbull, Flo Rida, DJ Khaled, and other surprise performers. Most people from Dave’s party are going. Alex is on the list as well. I’m not, but I’m confident I’ll be able to roll in anyway.
We get to Dave’s party, and it’s absolutely epic. Live DJ, smokes everywhere, pool, foam like the old Blackout Tour days. While timid at first, I quickly become the life of the party after I get a few drinks in me. It’s basically DP41 in Vegas all over again.
For these montage scenes from the party, the song "Clique" will be playing by Kanye, Jay-Z, and Big Sean. Please "clique" play (lmfao) for scene visualization.
I’m breaking out my fire dance moves that people like ironically. Doing cannonballs into the pool with A-Rod. There’s a limbo stick that I really struggle with but in an endearing way. Alex and I are trying to work on a synchronized dance routine together. Bottles are popping. Foam is everywhere. It's epic.
Later, I do notice that A-Rod and Josh Richards are really hitting it off. They both recently went through tough break ups so they bond over that. I’m getting a little bit jealous, but I’m also having so much fun at the party that I don’t let it bother me TOO much.
My drunkness is really increasing and getting the best of me. I go up to the DJ booth and demand the microphone. I want to give a speech on the stage. I stumble out with a mic in one hand and a bottle of Grey Goose in the other. I have an unbuttoned floral shirt on with a bathing suit and a pair of sunglasses. I continually refer to myself as “The ReaI Mr. 305.” I really look like a douchebag and am acting very out of character. But that’s alcohol for you! I drunkenly mutter…
“I just want to take a second to make a toast. To Dave Portnoy for hosting this unbelievable party! To Josh Richards for being the King of TikTok! To Alex Fucking Rodriguez! To the entire 305!”
The crowd is going wild.
“To tomato juice being not that good!”
I lose the crowd a little bit with that one.
“And to the United States Of America!!!!!!!!”
The crowd is back and going absolutely wild. They’re eating up every word I say. It’s an objectively dumb toast, but the vibes are just too good. I then break out my go-to closing line.
“And I just want to close this by saying, here’s to a night we’ll never forget ……. Or remember!!!!” (The implication is that it will be an unforgettable, amazing night, but we’ll be so drunk that we might not remember it. A nasty side effect of alcohol).
The crowd doesn’t really get it, and all the momentum I had during the speech comes to a screeching halt. I then promptly collapse to the ground and blackout.
The next scene is one of those really cool eyes-opening shots from my perspective. Where the eyelids are opening and closing. You can sort of see A-Rod standing over me, but it’s kind of blurry. You know exactly what I mean.
A-Rod wakes me up. We’re back at our hotel room and it’s time to get ready for the VIP party at LIV. Montage scene of us getting ready and looking all spiffy. We’re dressed to the nines. I’m wearing a lot of pink. A-Rod went with a more all-white look. Shades. Jewelry. Cologne. We walk out of the hotel in a slow-motion shot as “This Is Why I’m Hot” by MiMS plays in the background (his former walk-out song so it’s fitting).
(Play this, close your eyes. Picture A-Rod and Tommy Smokes in full Miami club outfits walking out of a luxurious hotel in slow-motion).
We hop in our limousine to the club and get to LIV. We immediately see Josh Richards and Alex runs over to his new best friend, leaving me in the dust. They both get in no problem since their names are on the list. But the bouncer is giving me some trouble.
Bouncer: “I don’t see your name on the list. Who the hell are you?”
Me: “My name is Thomas Michael Scibelli. I work for Barstool Sports and am best friends with Alex Rodriguez.”
Bouncer: scoffs “Yeah, right. No way you’re famous. And no way A-Rod has any idea who you are, dweeb.”
I grab for my phone to show him all the pictures me and Alex have together from our weekend, but my phone is dead. I didn’t have time to charge it since I was passed out drunk and then was getting ready for the club. There was no way for me to prove who I was. Just as I was dejected and starting to walk away, realizing the best night of my life was no longer happening, I hear a voice, “Hey Tommy, where are you going?”
The bouncer looks at him and says, “You know this loser?” Alex gets in his face. “Loser? You watch your mouth. That’s my best fucking friend in the world.” I light up with excitement. He likes me. Alex Rodriguez really likes me! We’re friends! I get inside, and it’s time for the night of my life.
We get to our table near the front and Mr. Worldwide, Pitbull, is on stage putting on an absolute show. Banger after banger: Give Me Everything, Timber, Time Of Our Lives. The man has quite the discography.
Unsurprisingly, I have to take many bathroom trips throughout the night to pee. On one occasion, I’m peeing in a urinal when someone goes to the one next to me. I get annoyed because I have what’s known as “shy cock” and sometimes struggle to pee next to people. I give a sideways glance to see who it is…. Elon Musk. I’m starstruck.
Tommy: “Oh, hello Mr. Musk.”
Elon: “Hey man, how’s it going?”
Tommy: “Actually, I won’t be able to pee if we keep this conversation going right now. I have shy cock. But I’d love to chat when we get out.”
We finish up our respective urinations and head to the sinks. I get into a little back and forth with the bathroom attendant. He tries to hand me a paper towel to dry my hands, but I decline it and grab my own. I don’t want to feel the need to tip him for something I can very easily do myself. He’s offended. I explain myself. Voices are raised, but it doesn’t get physical. It’s a whole big thing.
Anyway, I walk back to Elon’s table and introduce myself. Tell him I work for Barstool Sports. I tell him he has lettuce hands and talk about his tweets with Dave and a potential 2024 ticket. Classic banter. It’s going well. I then pitch him my NFT selfie idea.
“I’m selling one 1 of 1 selfie every day as an NFT on OpenSea. Each one will be unique. Different locations. Different activities. Different outfits. Some with glasses on. Some with hats on. Maybe a special guest here and there.” Elon responds, “That’s fucking brilliant. The NFT space is growing rapidly right now and nobody else is doing that. You’re a genius.” He wants to invest! He gives me an email to keep in contact. I walk away in awe of how unbelievably well that went.
I get back to Alex at our table and tell him about it. He’s fucking stoked for me! Then something even more amazing happens. We hear a lovely, Australian accent approaching us. “Oh my god! Is that Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter?” We look at each other confused and then the mysterious voice enters our line of sight…
….It’s Margot Robbie.
She gives us a hug and says she’s a big fan.
Margot: “It’s so great to see you two guys hanging out. I never knew what your relationship was actually like.”
A-Rod: “What is going on right now?”
Tommy: “You were amazing in the Wolf Of Wall Street.”
Margot: “Thank you Derek. And may I say, you’re even better looking in person.”
Tommy: “Yeah the TV doesn’t really do justice to how beautifly green my eyes are.”
A-Rod: “What the FUCK is happening right now?!? He’s not Derek Jeter!”
Yup, that’s right. Margot Robbie confused me for Derek Jeter. Turns out all my jokes through the years and throughout the weekend with Alex weren’t jokes after all. Margot really thought it was A-Rod and Derek hanging out at the club. Alex is shocked.
“How much did you pay her? How much did you fucking pay her? Margot does he have your family being held hostage? Blink twice if you’re in danger.”
Alex’s comedic chops are really going to shine in this scene. It will have a very similar vibe to “The Other Guys” when Mark Wahlberg finds out Will Ferrell is married to Eva Mendes.
Eventually, all the confusion is cleared up and we laugh about it. Margot and I keep talking. We’re really hitting it off. The whole Derek Jeter thing ended up being a great icebreaker for us. I’m making her laugh a lot. She’s loving my awkward dance moves. We share a sweet, pink drink together. It’s safe to say sparks are definitely flying. Overall, everyone is having a great time. But that’s all about to change…
DJ Khaled is up on the mic finishing his performance. “Alright next up, we have our surprise performer for the evening. Everyone please put your hands together for the lovely, talented, beautiful…”
Then in the background, a song faintly starts playing…
~~~~~~~~~~~~“I’m still, I’m still Jenny from the block.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yup, that’s right. Jennifer Lopez takes the stage.
A-Rod looks at me. He’s stunned. He had no idea. Neither did I. Nobody knew. J Lo herself didn’t know Alex was going to be there. He only planned to go last minute when our boys trip came together. A-Rod’s face looks like he saw a ghost.
Alex: “What do I do? Oh my God, Tommy what do I do? I wasn’t ready to see her tonight! How do I look? How do I smell?”
Tommy: “Calm down, Alex. You look great. You smell great. You are great. Just enjoy the night. Maybe you can talk to her later. It’ll all work out.”
I’m really a calming presence.
Alex is still freaking out. He wants to leave. He can’t take it anymore. I talk some more sense into him.
Tommy: “Alex, this is your chance to get her back. You still love her. She still loves you. You guys are meant to be. Two superstars from New York City with cool initial nicknames. It’s meant to be. This is your chance. Don’t choke it away. This is your moment, Rod. This is the 2009 playoffs and you’re about to hit a home run off Joe Namath to tie the game (a reference to Game 2 of the 2009 ALDS).”
Alex: “You’re right, Tommy. I’m Alex Fucking Rodriguez!”
Tommy: “Yeah you are!!!!!!!”
We embrace for a hug. He’s ready to go get her back.
Alex: “I’m gonna run up on that stage and tell her I love her!!!”
Tommy: “Yes!!!!!!! ….. Wait what?”
I got so lost in the excitement of the moment that I failed to recognize this is probably not the best idea. It’s too late. Alex runs onto the stage.
J Lo looks shocked when he gets up there. She stops singing. He grabs a microphone. Everyone is looking on in shock. There’s a random shot of Jason Bateman sipping his drink. When the hell did he get here? I love Jason Bateman. I’ll have to go talk to him when all this is over. Anyway, back to the stage.
Alex is beginning to pour his heart out. “Jennifer, I’m sorry to bombard the stage like this. But I have to talk to you. I … I…. I love you. I’m sorry for anything wrong I’ve done. You’re the love of my life. You’re my soulmate. You’re my best friend.”
I yell out from the crowd, “Second best friend now!” Instant dirty looks from everyone.
Alex continues, “We were meant to be together. It’s destiny that we’re even both at this club together tonight.”
Jennifer is clearly getting choked up. The emotional speech is working.
Alex gets down on one knee. The crowd makes an audible reaction. Shot of me crying tears of joy.
Alex: “Jennifer, will you marry me?”
The crowd goes wild! Confetti drops from the ceiling. “Jenny From The Block” starts playing again in the background. Margot Robbie grabs me and kisses me in a warm embrace. It’s a magical moment for everyone.
The screen fades out and goes to black. Text then appears on the bottom.
6 MONTHS LATER
It’s A-Rod and J Lo’s wedding. Pitbull is ordained (who knew?) so he’s performing the ceremony. You see them at the altar. It’s time for them to exchange rings. Alex reaches in his pocket and can’t find it. He’s freaking out. The camera zooms out.
Shot of me right next to him. I’m his best man.
Tommy: “Looking for this, buddy?”
I pull the ring out of my front jacket pocket and hand it to Alex. He thanks me and we do our secret handshake. I’m always there for him.
The two say their “I dos” and officially get married.
The credits begin to roll on half the screen, as scenes from the reception play on the other half. Everyone is dancing. The wedding is star studded - Derek Jeter is there which is really sweet. Dave and Big Cat. Josh Richards. Elon Musk. Jason Bateman. DJ Khaled. Many more. “Low” by Flo Rida and T-Pain is playing in the background.
The screen freezes on different frames and text pops up as a “Where are they now?” type deal.
First is a shot of me and Elon Musk - “Elon Musk gave Tommy a $10 million investment for his NFT selfies. The collection is now worth almost $300 million.”
Then a shot of me and Margot Robbie dancing - “Margot Robbie and Tommy Smokes began dating, got engaged, and were married in the span of 27 days.”
Then a shot of me, Dave, and Big Cat - “Tommy still works for Barstool Sports despite all this because he loves his job. Tommy’s Thursday Thoughts: Vol. 143 dropped this past week.”
Then a shot of A-Rod and J Lo - “Alex and Jennifer made amends and are now happily married living together in their Miami mansion … which Alex now has keys for.”
And finally a shot of Alex and I - “A-Rod and Tommy remain best friends to this day.”
Fade to black.