Elon Musk Savages Jeff Bezos with a Billionaire-on-Billionaire Dick Joke

There's something a little depressing about following the exploits of the world's richest people. Something born out of pure envy. Especially when they are pretty much self-made. It's one thing to see, say, a British Royal and take comfort in the fact you could never live in a castle with millions of subjects literally bowing to you because you could never be born into the royal family. But Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos, whatever leg up they might have had on you, nevertheless came into this world the same way you did. And yet through whatever combination of their innate intelligence, hard work, education and business acumen, became the two richest human beings on the planet. Meanwhile you're debating whether or not to sign up for that extra streaming app you don't have or whether to just take the free 7-day trial and hope you remember to cancel it before the monthly fee kicks in. 

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If you think about it too much, it becomes really demoralizing. It's almost as if they're not of the same species you are. They're changing the entire course of human existence while the rest of us eke out a life of quiet desperation, wondering if we'll be remembered by anyone once we shuffle off this mortal coil. 

But take comfort in this one thing. Musk and Bezos might be the most powerful and influential people walking the Earth today and control the lives of countless people, as well as hold the future of our species figuratively in their hands, but they're no more mature than your average middle schooler. 

When the NY Times did a piece about Musk's SpaceX winning the government's bid to put people on the moon over Bezos, things went school playground before you could count backwards from T-minus 10 seconds:

Dick jokes. Nothing will humanize an almost trillionaire faster than dick jokes. That, we can all relate to. You might be the CEO of the world's most highly valued auto manufacturer, have the power to rock the financial markets with a single Tweet, have launched manned missions into space, created the vertical takeoff and landing and have 1,500 satellites in Earth's orbit. But when it comes to your chief rival, it's all about his erectile dysfunction and the color of his testicles. 

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There's just something so Regular Guy about that. You and your buddies insult each other's penises every chance you get and so does Musk. It's Freudian too. Proof that even a bazillion dollar rocket is really just a big, erect wang. And the guy with the biggest one is the Alpha. And that is Musk, hands down. If Bezos doesn't have a comeback for this, it doesn't matter how many packages he delivers or what kind of space contracts he wins. He'll be a cuck, now and forever. You simply cannot let a rival's dick jokes about you go unanswered and keep you manly dignity, no matter how many hundreds of billions you're worth. 

So needless to say, I'm on Team Elon on this one. Unless and until Bezos answers back, he's just a Beta who will never, ever, live this rocket measuring contest down.