The Tales From My Very First Wedding

Finally. Fucking FINALLY! It took 24 wedding-less years but I officially attended my first wedding this past Friday night in Alpharetta, Georgia! Did I know anyone there?

Giphy Images.

Did that stop me from having a night?

Giphy Images.

Let's break down the night. This came to be Wednesday night when I tweeted about how delightful the weather would be on Thursday for the Atlanta stop of the Barstool Classic. My guy Ramsey (frequent Big If True caller, hero on the Dozen, and former partner of mine on the Dozen) tweeted at me to come to his wedding Friday night in Alpharetta which is just north of Atlanta.

Now for anyone that knows me I've been trying to go to my first wedding for YEARS. The allure of the open bar, good vibes, and live music has always been quite the attraction to me so it's been on my radar for awhile to the point where I was gonna attempt to do a wedding crashers-esque video series pre-covid where I even got legit wedding invites. So I got that tweet as I was having a few adult beverages before the Braves game so I just said fuck it, I'm in. Changed my flight to the next morning, got a hotel off the wedding website, and anticipated the wedding on Friday.

Now the main problem was 2 things- finding pants & buying a card. I packed to be on a beautiful golf course in Georgia for 2 days (that's a shorts occasion) and not a wedding at a very nice venue. Eventually I found a place that sells pants Friday afternoon & the outfit was complete with a nice Georgia Peach-themed Hawaiian I had brought with me figuring when in Rome you do as the Romans. Eventually I found a CVS near the hotel & the card problem solved as well. 

Once the Barstool Classic wrapped up & I got to the hotel in Alpharetta it kinda hit that I'm going to a wedding where I literally know NO ONE. 

I made sure the bride and groom's mom OK'd me going beforehand, but I still had absolutely no way of knowing how everyone would react. It was going one of 2 ways…either people would stare with disgust at the large man in the hawaiian shirt enjoying the salmon OR everyone would be super welcoming and ready to cut up a rug. Luckily it turned out to be the latter. 

This was, quite literally, me in the hotel getting dressed and taking some pre-arrival shots to calm the nerves.

Called Uber & it was game time.

I watched this clip in the Uber no less than 20 times to get in the right mindset.

My first ever place card. Keeping it forever as a souvenir…even if I was one of those mutants over at Table 9.

 Table 9 was actually filled with some great folks though! Coincidentally there were 9 people at Table 9, 8 of them being 4 married couples with children and, well, this fucking guy. So if you any of you folks from Table 9 are reading this I'd like to thank you for being so welcoming & to the lady sitting next to me that made me try a bite of her fried chicken I thank you even more because it was nothing short of scrumptious.

And of course being severely underdressed was already worrying me, then to top that off I had my old pal Asa force the world to rate my fit. And the people we're not happy.

And let me tell ya- I was SHOCKED at the amount of haters there were over my salmon choice. It was either fried chicken, filet, or salmon so I chose the lite option since I would be doing a lot alcohol & a lot of cutting up a rug. Needed to stay quick on my feet. Luckily Salmon was glorious and it was eventually time to get out to the battlefield after the maid of honor & best man speeches.

Playing Grow Old With You at weddings is a cheat code for tears.

It was FINALLY RUG CUTTING TIME. The moment I have been waiting for for 24 years! It did not disappoint. I didn't even know this video was being taken of me, but hell…it's amazing! Me and Aunt Mary left it all out on the dance floor. Also if you're one of the people making fun of me for not using my arms enough when dancing…I HATE YOU.

Once the dancing finished it was time to hop on the bus back to the hotel for a little after par-tay which was actually quite fun in the lobby. Just a couple folks hanging, drinking, and enjoying life. S/o to my favorite person Linda (the groom's mom & frequent radio caller) for getting me a wine glass of tequila. I'm personally a vodka guy myself, but when Linda hands you wine glass filled with tequila you simply have to take it.

Overall it was a fantastic experience. The people could not have been more welcoming if they tried, the food was good, the beverages went down easy, I had a great time, and more importantly I think the happy couple did as well. If you're reading this thank you guys for everything again! 

Now the real question is would anyone be interested in a little wedding crashers video series? If you're getting married & willing to participate in this please PLZ dm me. I LOVE WEDDINGS.