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Tottenham Sacked Manager Jose Mourinho As They Prepare For The Super League

Samuel’s Safe Space for Soccer Stoolies

Hi Haters™,

So, um, this just happened.

DING! DONG! THE BUS-PARKING WITCH IS DEAD!

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Jozay absolutely deserved it. It all boils down to one thing: the team has gotten WORSE since he was hired. That’s it. We can argue about tactics and injuries and whatever. Blah blah blah. Don'ttttttttttttttttt care. Jozay was brought in to win games and he has proven incapable of doing that. If you want to take it a few steps further, not only is he not winning games, he is not winning games in excruciatingly unwatchable fashion, AND he is doing it while sowing his usual discord among players who clearly don’t want to play for him.

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None needed, sir. Better you got sent packing now while the club is only partially in shambles rather than wait a couple weeks when the situation has hit "full blown dumpster fire" status. Enjoy unemployment. 

So we all agree Jozay had to go. The timing still caught me by surprise. My thought was that he'd hit the road go this summer, or at least after Spurs getting SMOKED this coming weekend in the Make-Belieague “Cup” final against City…. but good for Levy for pulling the trigger. He bet big on a brand name coach who raised the club's profile and offered the promise of "winning at all costs". That bet failed miserably but good for him for trying to go big, I guess.

What now?

In the short-term, who knows. It is not just Jozay that got sent packing. His entire coaching staff has been kicked to the curb with him (eg, Joao Sacramento, Nuno Santos, Carlos Lalin and Giovanni Cerra). Ryan Mason – yes, that 29-year-old Ryan Mason who retired as of about yesterday – is taking charge of practice today.

Best case: let Harry Kane player-manage. If giving him more control means decreasing the chances that he leaves anytime soon the club would be FOOLS not to do it. He is the most valuable asset the club has. In fact he may be more valuable than the club itself. 

Important silver lining to Levy firing Jozay now that nobody seems to wanna talk about: Tottenham's official new manager bounce (whoever that may be) will be in effect for the "big" "important" Make-Belieague Trinket final this weekend. I personally don't care all that much about winning it but if that will shut the haters up about not winning trophies then sure, why not, let's win the stupid thing.

More importantly, however, is what direction Spurs go in the longer-term… and here is who the bookies like:

I have been saying for months now that I'd give at least one testicle to sign Nagelsmann from RBL, so anyone following me knows what I am praying for. That situation has suddenly been complicated by Hansi Flick basically dying to leave Bayern for the German NT, and Nagelsmann emerging as Bayern’s top target.

Not great for Spurs. But Levy has already splashed cash on one manager so maybe, just maybe, he will do so for a second.

I’d also settle (since beggars can apparently be choosers these days) for Brendan Rodgers, but not sure why he’d jump ship from a well-oiled machine to join a clownshow, or – forgive me father for I am about to sin – maybe even Steven Gerrard, who is unproven and green but done a legitimately great job with Rangers. Nuno? Maybe. Not very exciting but maybe. Tough to get too excited about Ancelotti or Benitez as well. Simeone is a hard no. Wrong style. Allegri has shown no interest in coaching in England.

And at the end of the day… WHO CARES? The Bus-Parking, Soul-Crushing, Fun-Sucking Witch is dead and we are about to be playing in the F^ck Soccer Get Money European Super League with no promotion or relegation where teams gets rich regardless of performance so at the end of the day do we even need a manager?


Reminder: Champions League this week! Guess we gotta enjoy the hell out of it while we still can!

Thanks for reading you beauties!

Holler,
Samuel Army