You Can Only Have One French Fry For the Rest of Your Life: Classic, Crinkle, Curly or Waffle

I saw a tweet about french fry shapes and got fired up on a Friday afternoon. There are few topics which I am more qualified to lecture on than this one.

Food Network's premise is far too easy, because it's quite obvious we're all getting rid of crinkle fries — their structural integrity can usually best be described as resembling a flaccid penis and they do not hold a candle to the other taters on this list — and enjoying a thoughtless life of luxury with the other three elite forms of fries. So I want to switch it up and say you can only keep one of the four, never to enjoy another french fry variation until you depart this Earth.

As we've established, this is essentially a three-horse race because literally nobody is living the rest of their life with crinkle-cut fries. So we start with classic. These guys are the UCLA of french fries. They're going up against two heavy hitters who have largely overtaken them and relying heavily upon tradition, but every once in a while, they'll get to the Final Four as an 11-seed and remind you why they've been doing this as long as they have. In the end, though, not gonna be my pick.

Then you have the curly fry. An elite choice, no doubt. There's nothing like reaching into a box and pulling out a crispy four- or five-spiral spud yearning to be dunked into a pool of ketchup and devoured. But are you really willing to spend the rest of your life consuming a gimmick? Sure, they can be delicious, but at the end of the day you're choosing novelty over the best possible quality.

But then we get to God's gift to side items: the waffle fry. A potato variation sent from the heavens so much so that it is most commonly associated with a Christian establishment. This is the only fry on this list which perfectly aerates itself, creating the optimum flavor experience. And while the aforementioned restaurant may be where people most commonly consume the waffle fry, those aren't even close to the best ones. Some of the best waffle fries I've ever had have been at ballparks and places like that. When you get waffle fries, you know you've struck gold when they're so crispy they're almost orange. That's the sweet spot.

There is no potato variant that is able to compete with the waffle fry. It reigns supreme over all others. If you could only have one french fry for the rest of time, there simply is no beating the waffle cut.