Take Heart: That Massive Shipment of Sex Toys Stuck in the Suez Canal is On Its Way

By now you're no doubt aware that the Ever Given, the cargo ship that spent six days as the object lodged in the lower intestine of the world, has been freed. If not, and you're hearing it from me for the first time, you truly need to change the way you stay informed with current events. But regardless, the blockage is cleared, humanity's collective digestive system is no longer constipated, and our bowels can move once again. 

And speaking of things that get stuck up inside our orifices, there's one particular shipment of essential goods that was stuck. And rest assured, the millions who've been anxiously awaiting these vital supplies will be getting them soon. 

Source - A ship carrying 20 containers filled with sex toys will now be able to complete its delivery after becoming stuck in the traffic jam in the Suez Canal. 

The vessel carrying 'dildos, vibrators and male masturbators' is one of more thanan estimated 400 ships waiting to pass through the canal.   

A giant container ship had been blocking the busy waterway for almost a week but was re-floated earlier on Monday, meaning that the canal will be able to reopen for shipping traffic in both ways from this evening. 

Speaking to Dutch news outlet RTV Noord, CEO of the company EDC Retail Evertine Magerman said:  'There are more than twenty containers full of well-running items, such as vibrators, dildos and male masturbators.

Well that IS great news. I mean, sure, the focus of the Suez reopen will be on the oil supply, food, medical supply and things of that nature. But when countless people are being forced to pleasure themselves manually or have to settle for damaged, unused sex toys, that is no less a crisis than petroleum products or medicine. It really makes you stop and take stock of the delicate, gossamer threads that connect us all. And how much we take for granted that one tiny shipping lane in the vast expanse of our planet's waterways can have such a profound effect on your sexual gratification. 

But at the same time, let this be a warning to us all. For too long, America has been too reliant on the Middle East. And once again, it's cost us. It's a volatile region in the best of times. And while the Ever Given being stuck had nothing to do with politics, the strife in that part of the world has been getting us into foreign entanglements for generation now. An unbroken line of U.S. Presidents going all the way back to Eisenhower have pledged to reduce our dependency on foreign sex toys, while doing nothing about it. We're still beholden to evil governments run by corrupt royal families who do not have our best interest at heart precisely because we've failed to take action. 

It's high time we declare our sex toy independence. We have the means to manufacture our own butt plugs. To get America's vibrator supply chain back to where it was in World War II when it was the envy of the world. To produce a clean, safe, limitless amount of affordable Fleshlights, manufactured right here in the dildo-rich regions of the United States so we're no longer worried about what happens on the other side of the Earth. Processed and manufactured by Americans, for Americans. And even a surplus, which we can export to our Magic Wand consuming allies throughout the developed world. It's time to treat this like an issue of vital national security, because it is. 

So consider this incident a wake up call. Make America a sex toy independent nation, before this happens again.