Cue the Duckboats | Championship Collection for Banner 18SHOP NOW


Anyone Got A Fair Punishment For A 43-Year-Old Man Who Stole $1200 Worth Of Girl Scout Cookies?

Damn, wonder what he's gonna do with 9 boxes of cookies? Like, ABC could've kept it simple with "Southern Minnesota Man Takes A Few Boxes of Thin Mints". Same thing right?

Alright I guess $1200 gets you a couple more than that....but not much.....

Police in Rochester, Minnesota say a grocery store’s alarm called them Saturday night. When they arrived, they found Joel Whittaker trying to drive off with 23 boxes of cookies stuffed in the backseat and trunk of the car.

Whittaker told officers he was dumpster diving when he found pallets of cookies sitting in an unlocked loading dock.

Investigators believe Whittaker drove up to the unlocked area and began filling his car with as many boxes as would fit and leaving some on the floor.

A true Cookie Monster. But I guess the real question is this: is he stealing them to SELL or to EAT? Neither is okay, but if this dude is trying to make a quick buck on the Girl Scout cookie resale market then he's the scum of the Earth. If he wanted to end his evenings with a couple zero priced Do-si-dos and a tall glass of milk, then I can't really blame the guy. Which brings me to my next question: are all Girl Scout cookie thefts treated equally? Or like, do different levels of crime come with stealing different flavors of cookies? For example, stealing Lemon Ups should NOT be the same crime as stealing Tagalongs. I'm not sure which should be worse though, the better cookies or stealing something that is gross.

Although the cookies are packed on the pallets according to flavor, police say Whittaker had taken a mix of flavors.

Ah, the variety pack. But honestly, who steals 23 boxes of cookies from kids?

So I guess the question now is what is a fair punishment for this guy? I really hate fines and jail time when you could be much more creative and effective. At first I'd say we do a classic eye for an eye situation. What can we steal from him? But then I figured that making him dress as a Girl Scout and sell them outside Walmart early on a Saturday morning would probably be the most justifiable. Don't make him do it alone, either. Spend the entire day surround by other 10 year olds in brown vests trying to move their cookies. But make him work until HE sells his own supply out. 

….then again, I'm not sure we want this guy anywhere near Girl Scouts.